On hearts and fear. (This is for a friend.)

Last night, I gave in to my girly side and watched The Sweetest Thing with my mom on cable tv.
One of the parts that really stuck out to me was when one of the characters is reading this book on love or how to love.. or something or other... and there are these cheesy commandments. One of these upsets her:

"Thou shalt not fear."


I found it very interesting because anyone that has had their heart broken before knows that it's almost impossible NOT to be afraid after that.
I can only really speak for myself, but I know that it takes me a long time to bring a wall down after I've put one up.
For anyone who has never experienced heartbreak.. first of all, you're lucky. Second of all, you may think it takes a long time to forgive someone for something they did to you that negatively affected you.
It takes so much longer to not be afraid that someone else will do it to you.


I've been hurt so much, in big and small ways, that these are my own expectations.

People in general:
They will talk badly about me to other people.
They will sell me out if it meant saving their own ass.
They will always put themselves before me.
If they're a certain type of person that gets kicks out of this kind of thing, they will lie, make things up and/or twist thing to make themselves look like the good guy, even if it makes me look like the bad guy.

Now I'm not saying that those things are necessarily TERRIBLE and HAVE to change. We all do it.
Putting ourselves before others is a survival mechanism...
HOWEVER
I personally will not compromise truth to save myself. If I made a mistake, I'll own up to it.
If I'm guilty of something, I'll admit it to the whole world.
I realize it may not be the smartest thing all the time, but I have been lied to SO MUCH and I've done so much thinking about lying that I truly believe that truth should be one of those unalienable rights that everyone is born with.
Anyway, let's continue on to something a little more personal and a lot more controversial.

Males:
They will take advantage of me.

They will use me for everything I have to give, then leave me with nothing.
They will turn situations around on me to make me feel guilty, even if I did nothing wrong.

They will brag to all of their friends about me until they aren't seeing me anymore, then they'll say the worst things. Most of the time, the things they brag about are relatively true, and the terrible things they say afterward are completely false, but there are exceptions.
They will leave me for someone better (in their eyes).
They will try to control me, and in doing that, will alienate me from my friends and family.

They will forbid me to talk to any male that I'm not related to, but they will continue to converse with other females (which would be fine)... and heavily flirt with them.
They will probably cheat on me.
They will lie about it.
Actually, they'll lie about any little thing if it means avoiding confrontation. (Possibly the one thing I cannot STAND about relationships... or people in general. Girls do this too, and it's STUPID. I've been lied to about everything, anywhere from cheating to the price they paid for something, and it's all dumb. It's so much easier to forgive someone and move on if they have the respect to be honest with you.)

They will expect me to be okay with it when they treat me terribly.

They will yell and scream, take their anger out on me, and make me feel like their mistakes are all my fault.
They will belittle me by making me feel stupid, unattractive or otherwise inadequate.

In the end, they'll hurt me. They'll possibly break my heart, but that just depends how much I cared about them, really.

And some guys wonder why I prefer to be single.

There are probably more things I'd expect a guy to do to me, but I can't really think of any more at this point.
It's a long list anyway, and I don't want to get too off-topic or seem like I really hate males because I don't.
I actually prefer them to females. They start to feel comfortable enough to become their heartless selves when you start to let your guard down.

Anyway.
I have a female friend who loves her boyfriend to death. I can see it, and I'm pretty sure anyone else that knows them can too. The obstacles they overcome for each other are astounding. I admire her for her strength because it's a type of strength I'm not sure I could muster up. It's a risk I would be entirely too afraid to take.
I don't know her boyfriend well. I mean, I've met the guy once. However, he seems like a genuine guy. From what she has told me and from what I've seen, I really think he loves her just as much as she loves him.
At the end of the day though, he's still a male, so he doesn't think about things the same way females do, and he sometimes does/says things without analyzing how it may affect her, and she ends up hurt from it.
But. He seems to make up for it every time, and from what she has told me, it has been a total misunderstanding every time (it's only happened a few occasions the entire time they've been together) and he has explained it to her and said/done the right things to make her feel 100% better about the situation.

She told me today that she loves him too much.
I told her that she just loves him.
She said it scares her.
I asked her if she thought he was going to hurt her.
And do you know what she said, my attentive audience?

"They always do."

If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

She's right, they always have hurt her, just like they've always hurt me.
So I started to think about my most recent relationship and how I was so fearless the entire time. How could I take such HUGE blind risks on someone? How could I give him my entire heart like that, regardless of his past of hurting girls, of hurting ME? (Yes, people, it wasn't the first time I'd cried over what that boy did to me.)

Well... I think I did it because I figured that some risks are just worth taking.
Sometimes you have to throw your heart out there.
Most of the time, someone stomps all over it and throws it back in your face.
But we all keep trying in hopes that we'll throw it out there to someone who will catch it and hold onto it, someone who will give us theirs in return.
In my book, that's worth fighting for.
And it seems to me that if these two people have had the strength to make it this far, they can get through anything. I believe in them, and I think she should too.

My dad always says it's easy to coach from the bleachers, so I realize that I'm doing a lot of preaching and not a lot of practicing at this time. Forgive me for that.

I think, in the end, we all just have to follow our hearts, but never stop allowing our minds to guide them.
Our minds will, more often than not, protect us from hurting over the stupid mistakes our hearts make.

So I think if someone takes the effort to prove such beautiful messages of trust, love, etc. to you, you shouldn't let fear hold you back from TRULY accepting them.
Yes, sometimes things don't work out as planned and you could end up hurt, I'm not denying that possibility.
But... in my own experiences, when I was afraid of someone hurting me, I let myself be afraid.
I kept letting my own stupid irrational fears get to me until I did something to screw it all up.

It happened with one person in particular, and I've regretted it ever since.
I ran away and threw away a great guy all because I was afraid.
I convinced myself that minor problems were actually major problems, allowing myself to excuse running away like I did.
It's only now that I realize that I was just plain cowardly.

It's okay to be a little afraid, it's meant to protect you.
On the flip side,

never let your fears overcome you.

Even if you do get hurt, you'll pick yourself up, and you'll stand a little taller with that experience under your belt.

Maybe it's a messed up way to look at things, but I really think that each person in our life is a stepping stone, up until we find the people that will step on those stones with us... people like our parents, our siblings, the love of our life..

In the end, you can't let anything blind you, be it love, fear, or anything else. Keep your head on straight, never forget what you're aiming for, and TRUST YOURSELF. If it feels right, it probably is.

Don't lose faith in the way the universe works, and if you ever do, read A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. Her life story will prove to you that everything happens for a reason. It's really very moving.

Anyway.

Trust that you are right where you're supposed to be, and everything will work out in the end.

And specifically to you, the friend I'm talking about, I KNOW things will work out for you. You're too good of a person for them not to. Look at how successful you've been already, in all of your endeavors.
I don't think you realize how much I admire you, and I don't think you realize how lovable you really are.
Is it because so many people have thrown you away for some other broad that you feel like nobody could really actually want you?
I feel the same way, look at what jerkface did to me. If that's not proof that people are sometimes just plain stupid and selfish, then I don't know how else to prove it to you.

Does loving this guy feel right? Does loving this guy seem right?
If your mind and your heart (without fear clouding them) agree, then I think you've got something worth fighting for, and if you do, I hope neither of you ever forget how lucky you are to have each other.





Thanks for readin' :]

The plot thickens.

Ahhhhh... my life is never dull. At least I can't complain about that.

I don't choose this for myself, but that's just the way things happen.
Always unexpected!



And this time, I'm going to step up and take responsibility for what happened instead of just laughing off my eclectic luck.

Everything will be okay.



Sometimes you just have to delete people out of your life, whether you want to or not.
Sometimes what's BEST isn't what you really want.... but it's for the best, and you just kind of have to go with the motions.

Maybe all of these things are just what I needed.
Maybe my sense of direction for life is much more clear to me now.


And maybe I can't focus on what I need to do with all of the unnecessary drama...
maybe there are some people that just bring these things to my life, and since I don't need it,

I don't need them.



Everything will be okay.
You'll all know what I'm talking about soon enough.

Change. Warning: may contain indecent language. Viewer discretion is advised.

So.
Things have changed quite a bit in the last 36 hours or so.



...And I've learned a lot about myself.
People make me feel weak sometimes, but I came to a realization...

I'm strong.

All that bullshit like 'I can't do this' and 'I give up after this one' is fucking retarded.
I'm Brittany mother fucking Hall, and I'm one of the strongest people I know.
I have the strength to be strong for someone else AND myself at the same time; tell me where else you can find that trait.
All that weak bullshit? Fuck that. That's not me.

This is me.
And I'm the most fucking awesome person I know. Wanna know why?
First of all, I enjoy being around myself. But you wanna know why else?

I'm strong.
I'm smart.
I'm willing,
and able.
I'm determined,
but I know when to walk away.
I try my best in literally EVERYTHING I do.
I take initiative.
I show interest in the interests of the people I care about.
I speak, and I listen. Often.
I can apologize and mean it; I can admit when I'm wrong.
I can see both sides of a story and actually prefer both sides to just one.
When I love, I love with all of me.
I can give for others more than I take for myself.

And you know what else?
I'm a fucking cool person to be around.
I love to have a good time and be drama-free.
I'm quirky, I'm funny, and I'm not afraid to be myself.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, and I'm quite aware.
BUT. I'm not broken. I'm not damaged. And I'm certainly good enough for anything that comes my way.


But you know what?
I haven't been myself lately. I've been stuffing that independent, open-minded, strong-willed person down inside of me.


And you know what I replaced her with?
A needy little bitch.

FUCK THAT
That's not me, and I'm done bending over backwards for people that don't do shit for me, people that don't even show appreciation.
I'm done bowing down.

It's time for me to stand up.



I'm done with the past, it's over and done with, nobody can go back in time to change it.
I'm always examining the present and looking toward the future.
(That's another good thing about me.)
Fuck holding grudges and fuck being pissed off/sad all the time.
Is that the way I want to live my life? Hell no.



I'd do anything for love, I'll be honest.
But when someone just takes and takes without giving so much as a little comfort in return, when someone is only there for you sometimes, and when someone is annoyed at anything to do with you....
that's not love.



Love is something beautiful.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."




And you know what?
I've done all of those things consistently.
Everyone makes mistakes, and I have made mine.
But ultimately, all of those are fulfilled by me.




And that, my friends, is a rare trait to find.


So you don't believe me?
You don't think I do all those things when I love someone?
You don't think it's a rare thing to find?




Let's test it.

Stuck.

I don't even know what to say.

Have you ever had those moments when you're so overwhelmed by emotions that you have absolutely no words?
That's me. Right now.


I wish I had the power to change things...
In my eyes, everything seems so simple!
So why is it so... complicated?
I don't understand, and it's the most frustrating thing ever.


I don't even know where I'm going with this; I don't know much of anything right now.

It's depressing when the only thing you're sure of is your emotions...




WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN

...And life went on.

This morning, I felt compelled to update this blog... for some reason.
I had forgotten about it for a long time, but like anything else, it resurfaced in my mind at an unexpected (maybe even inopportune) time.

I logged onto here, and immediately began reading my old posts.
In the much older ones, I found many clues to myself (especially in the post containing some of my inspired academic work).
Again, referring to the core of myself, not the changing aspects.

There were only two things that bothered me in particular:
1. The way I talked about my brother.
When he and his girlfriend moved in with us, I was angry. I didn't understand why things were going so badly for him. In other words, I was naive. What I said was mean.
He didn't uproot my life.
I have grown and learned many many things since my senior year in high school (when that was posted). I feel a deep sense of regret for writing those words.
For the simple fact that it was the way I felt at the time, I will not remove them. However, I'd like to say that I know better now, and I have a deeper understand of the situation now that much time has passed.
I'm sorry.

2. The most recent blog post, besides this one.
I am so ashamed of myself for being so weak. How could I believe that life could not and would not carry on?
Truth is, yeah, I screwed myself over on that one. Yes, the majority of what happened was all.my.fault.
However, I wouldn't have made 90% of the decisions I had made if the person I was referencing had just listened and taken me seriously.
Don't get me wrong, I will never attempt to justify my actions; they were completely and utterly wrong.
But the reason that relationship failed? It was due to both of us. Maybe not equally, but we  both had a part in burning it to the ground. And now?
I'm glad it's over. I've realized how many things I absolutely hated about him.
I've realized that we were at completely separate maturity levels in every aspect I can think of.
Yeah, I loved him. Did it hurt? Absolutely, it killed.
But it didn't kill me.

---------------------------------------

With every end, there's a new beginning, and I found mine in the relatively run-down town of Three Rivers.
Well, I actually found it in Portage 8 years ago.
But, again, as everything always does, it resurfaced.
And I love him. In a way, I always have.
Yeah, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard, but love is entirely subjective. It's different to everyone.
All I can say is that he was the first person I ever had strong feelings for and that I've never felt this profound of an emotion before, not with anyone else.
And I've proven it.
To myself, to him, to the world.

After my last significant relationship, I decided that I would not or could not love again.
I wouldn't get attached to anyone, and I most certainly would not make the same mistakes again.

That's my I'm-happy-to-be-waking-up-in-bf's-bed morning face.

Well, I still refuse to make those same mistakes again, but all of those certainties-at-the-time kind of went out the window while being taken home in a little red Taurus.

And I've made mistakes this time around too, but I'm proud of myself for making them short and sweet, for learning from them quickly and making necessary adjustments, and for putting my all into this one, regardless of my fears.


At the end of it all, I just have to accept that I will never be perfect, nor will life in general, despite my efforts.
But that doesn't mean that I can't be happy.


I still struggle with depression, and at this point, I'm wondering if I always will.
My mom advised me to start keeping daily entries in my diary about the way things are going. Then I could look back in a month's time and remember, whether or not I want to, how good or bad things have been.
And that would probably be a good thing for me, but I just don't know if I'm willing to do that. In a way, I'd rather just live and try to forget about all the bad things.

...Isn't that what everyone else does?

At this exact point in my life, I feel overwhelmed for pretty much no reason.
What do I have to worry about?
School, work, budgeting money, maintaining healthy relationships with the people I love.
That last one is just a difficult one for me.

Maybe I should put "maintaining a healthy relationship with myself" as a priority.
Maybe I'd be happier.

Then again, I feel like I've tried to do that, and it all fell through the cracks once someone hurt me. Why should I build myself up if someone else is just going to tear me down?

Don't let them, you say?
Well... that's easier said than done, and I'm sure that ANYONE reading this can see my argument, so I don't feel the need to make it. We've all been hurt, and that's all I'm going to say.



I've decided that I'm going to share this on Facebook.




...No one will read it.

But. I'm still going to do it. Why? I'm not sure.
Maybe I subconsciously search for people to understand me, or maybe I just want some feedback.
Maybe I feel like the answers I've been looking for all along are staring me right in the face, but I just can't see them.


Right now, I'm relatively certain that the answers I'm looking for don't even exist.
Maybe they wouldn't even exist in a perfect world.



Physical state: tired
Emotional state: calm
Mental state: clear

And my heart breaks.

I have nowhere else to go, so I'm coming here.


I isolated myself from everyone except one person.
And he left me.
And it's my fault.



I'm an abomination!








I don't understand why I haven't killed myself yet.
Yes I do, out of fear. God, I'm such a coward.

I've been in a state of depression pretty much since I began this blog.
I don't hate my life.
I love my family, I love my pets, I'm incredibly thankful for the wonderful opportunities and blessings bestowed upon me.
But I hate myself.
I hate who I am, not what I've become, but the unmistakable core of myself.
The part of me that I can't change.

The part where my conscience is crippled and only sometimes works.
The part where I can't stay committed to anyone.
The part where I can't escape my anxiety or sadness.
The part where I know something is wrong, but I do it anyway out of greed, lust, or any other of the seven deadly sins.










Look, love... I know I don't deserve you, but I promised myself last Friday that I would try.
And I was trying. I am trying. I'm trying to change for our benefit... because I want to be with you.
I want to be with you more than I want anything in the world.
And it's weird.... like I know that as long as I have you, everything will work out. Everything will be okay eventually, and I'll be able to survive, no matter what happens to/around me.
In this way, I need you... or I at least feel like I do.
Because now that you're gone, that sense of calm has completely disappeared.
I now see, once again, the chaos and ugliness of the world, which you had shielded me from.
I know that I blame a lot on you, but I think I'm just afraid to blame it on myself.
As of now, I will blame myself.

It's my fault you've left.
Because you can't take the hurt I inflict anymore.
It's my fault you're hurt.
Because I'm the one that hurt you.
It's my fault your relationships may be dysfunctional now.
Because this pain I caused will scar you.
It's my fault your bank account is drained.
Because I made you spend it all.
It's my fault you're upset right now.
Because I'm the one that upset you.
It's my fault you've wasted your time.
Because I begged you to stay.
It's my fault I've been depressed.
Because I've been depressed before and should know how to kick myself out of it.
It's my fault that this relationship hasn't been working.
Because I've been the one screwing it up.
It's my fault that I've been less than happy.
Because I should just hold the bad feelings in and force myself to be happy, like normal people do.
It's my fault that you've been less than happy.
Because again, I've caused so much pain in your heart.
It's my fault I've gained so much weight and became so unattractive.
Because I've done nothing but lie in bed and have had no motivation for much else.
It's my fault I'm so stressed out.
Because I've given myself all of this stress.






You are everything to me.
I can physically survive without you, but I'm familiar with this process.
I'm on my way to becoming a shell of my former self, and soon, it will be too thick for anyone to penetrate for a very long time.
I'll lose myself in my schoolwork, and I'll mindlessly try to beautify myself.
I'll then lose myself in drugs or alcohol, in an attempt to feel something.
And then.... maybe I'll die. Maybe I'll meet someone.




It's a few years off yet, so I can't quite say.













I'm hurting very much now, and it's now sinking in that there is nothing I can say or do that will make you want to stay.
I'm sorry that I've been so weak.
I'll see you on the other side.




I will always love you, and that, if nothing else, will always be with you.

I know that nobody is reading this, but

I continue to not-so-frequently update it.


My parents are forcing me to attend school this fall, which is probably a good thing, instead of letting my fears get the best of me.


Summer 2011 has definitely gotten much better since my last entry, but it still hasn't been quite as enjoyable as last summer. Oh well. Last summer was freaking amazing anyway.
I consider myself a failure in so many ways that it's not even funny.
Hell, last night I hit a mailbox while driving my boyfriend's car.
I don't even have my license yet.
The funny thing is, I would have just laughed it off (like I was beginning to) if my boyfriend hadn't yelled at me afterward.
Failure failure failure failure failure

Maybe if I call myself a failure enough times, I won't be so damn disappointed when I screw up.



Anyway.

Lately I've been stressing over whether or not to take the student loan offered to me... I'm afraid to be in debt, but if I don't take it, my parents will be forced to pay for my classes out of their pocket.
This would be okay, but I'm planning to be a full-time student. Hah.


Monday is decision day. Monday is deadline day.
THE
LAST
REGISTRATION
DAY



The decision will be made by then.
May God help me.

Updated Future Plans

Now that I've graduated high school with a 3.88 unweighted GPA (3.95 weighted), despite the fatigue and self-doubt, my plans for the rest of 2011 and the beginning of 2012 have changed.

I plan to take this summer off and have a little fun. You know, be an 18 year old female.
I want time to be young and reckless.

I'll (hopefully) have a job by the time fall rolls around. I'll hopefully have my license by then, and I can start saving up for a car once I have a job.

My parents want me to go to the fall semester at the community college around here, but I'd rather go for the spring semester, after I've saved up some money.





So yeah.

This summer will be my last of my youth.
Hopefully it's a great one!









P.S. It has started out like a rollercoaster ride.
Let's hope it doesn't stay that way.

Essays, notes, poems, fragments.

The following are writings I've written for some form of scholarly purpose.


To what extent do we need evidence to support our beliefs in different areas of knowledge?

By natural human behavior, we search for evidence to support various claims made throughout our lives, whether these claims are being made by ourselves or other people. The definition of legitimate verification can vary from person to person, so different people may use separate ways of knowing to come to what we know to be truthful conclusions. A knowledge issue that arises from this question is how truth is justified with evidence through two conflicting areas of knowledge: natural science and religion. Most people think that religion and natural science cannot coexist because they use different ways of knowing to come to separate conclusions on the same matters that concern all humans, like why we’re here and where we came from, but I’m not sure if I completely agree.

It’s generally easier to find absolute truth in natural sciences because scientific experiments provide concrete answers that usually cannot be left open to interpretation. In physics, testing the theory of gravity is simple enough: Newton throws an apple in the air, and it comes back down, toward the Earth. In the same way, I can confirm the boiling point of water by entering the chemistry lab, putting a beaker of water above a Bunsen burner and measuring the temperature at which water boils: approximately 100 degrees Celsius. Astronomy is my favorite subject because there are so many open ended questions that cannot be confirmed, simply because society does not have the means to travel far out into space, see things as they are, and experiment with them. However, scientists and astronomers simulate space by taking all the physical conditions we know to be present in space and enclosing them into a much smaller and experimental environment here on Earth. We can see similarities between tornadoes and black holes, thus using logic to apply what we know to what we cannot know for certain. We use logic from scientific experiments to develop mathematical equations that can give us numbers to interpret back to anything we can think of, like how big the universe is or whether or not there will be polar bears in twenty years. We find truths in natural sciences by experimenting and using logic to evaluate what those experiments really mean. After truths are found, they are communicated to the world and usually challenged to be proven true before universally accepted. In this way, the truth coming from science is mostly objective and always confirmed by multiple sources.

Since I was old enough to understand, my mother has educated me about Christianity, and she had me convinced that everything she told me was unquestionable truth for a long time. My mom firmly believes in God, and often tells me stories of how she has been emotionally touched by the Holy Spirit. One of the more recent stories comes from a year or two ago, when she traveled to Columbus to support her father while he was going through surgeries to fix his heart problems. Since my grandpa was fearful of what could happen during surgery, he wanted to go to church to pray and gain some hope. Naturally, my mom had no idea where she should take him because she was in an unfamiliar city, but she spied a steeple from the hospital and decided that was where she would take him. My mother helped her dad out of the car and up the steps to the church. As soon as they opened the doors and were safely inside, my grandpa broke down in tears. He said that he felt the presence of God and that he hadn’t felt it that strongly for a very long time. In this context, what does “feel” really mean? I’m not quite sure whether or not they just felt a cold gust of air, but I don’t think some cold air would make my grandfather cry on a whim like he did. Whatever he was feeling came from inside of him and affected him more than a sensation from sense perception could. Truth in religion comes almost completely from emotion, and the rest comes from language. A person can read the Bible, Torah or Qur’an all they want, but they will not believe the texts or find truth in the stories unless they use emotion to feel a connection with a divine presence sometime in their life.

In my opinion, I believe that religion and natural science can coexist in harmony. Although they may lead us to slightly different truths, error and lacking knowledge must always be taken into account. Religion can tell us a reason, but it cannot give us hard evidence; science can give us hard evidence, but cannot tell us a reason. Hard sciences give us information that we can use to improve our society, like what medicines can defeat which illnesses. Religious beliefs lead us to greater truths, like what will happen after we die. Sometimes they clash, specifically with evolution and creation, but I believe that even two different theories of how humans came to be can be meshed together to make one big, loveable hypothesis. Evolution tells us that we have evolved from much smaller life forms over periods of billions of years, and questionable proof like tailbones and appendixes can be used to support this claim. Creation tells us that a divine power placed us here for a reason that we cannot discover, and debatable evidence like religious texts and matching stories from different cultures can be used to support this claim. My mom always told me not to question God, and that the human race just is not supposed to know everything about everything. I have to agree with this because I honestly cannot believe that we could even comprehend all of the potential knowledge and information in the universe or even on our native planet. Piecing all of the bits together, I believe that it’s a possibility that the universe itself was placed here with physical rules for a reason, and that life in general follows a pattern guarded by something that we cannot quite understand. Instead of arguing over whether logic or emotion is better to find truth, why not use both? Wouldn’t the use of two strong ways of knowing be more truthful than the use of an exclusive one?

One thing all humans have in common is the perpetual determination to find truth. Some believe think it doesn’t matter how we arrive at the truth, it just has to make sense. To me, it makes even more sense to have evidence to support any claim made in the different areas of knowledge, and the more ways of knowing used to support these claims, the more accurate the truth in question will be. I think that knowledge issues ought to be considered more often than they are because they might lead us to better ideas and more advancement. Instead of bickering over whether logic is better than emotion or whether natural science is better than religion, we should examine how and why they differ, and try to put the pieces together accordingly.

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“The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate. Let Big Brother do the singing and dancing for you. Be a reporter. Be a good witness. A grateful member of the audience." Page 216 (Lullaby)


I agree with Carl when he talks about this. He’s right; if a person doesn’t get involved with their life, they’re wasting their life. However, I’m not sure if I completely agree. Watching and observing is a vital part of success. It’s wiser to observe the successes and failures of others before proceeding. This way, one has an idea of what is ideal.

This is completely true with my own life. If I hadn’t observed the mistakes of my older brothers, I might not be where I am today. Just because I do this a lot doesn’t mean I’m not living my life. I actively participate in preparing myself for the future. Maybe I’m not “making the most” of my high school years, but I don’t see partying and making foolish decisions as living. I’ll have time to goof off later in life, when I don’t have to worry about what will happen to me and how it will affect my future.

Maybe everyone should live each day as if it were their last, but if I did that, I’d have dropped out of school long ago, and I’d probably be in jail for some reason. It’s simply unwise to be impulsive like that. Nobody achieves their goals by procrastinating and not working.

From what I’ve learned, the key to everything in life is balance: too much work will make you miserable because you’ll have no reason for anything, and too much play will make you miserable because you won’t have accomplished anything. It’s about finding the perfect mixture of everything that will make you happy.

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“I don’t know the difference between what I want and what I’m trained to want. I can’t tell what I really want and what I’ve been tricked into wanting. What I’m talking about is free will. Do we have it, or does God dictate and script everything we do and say and want? Do we have free will, or do the mass media and our culture control us, our desires and actions, from the moment we’re born?” Page 228 (Lullaby)


“Are these things really better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now? Am I just under a spell that says nothing is ever good enough?” Page 230

These questions that Carl asks himself could not relate more to current society. Everyone

always wants more and more. They want to be thinner, have shinier hair, tanner skin, more money, faster cars, bigger houses, the whole sha-bang.

I don’t think any higher power would control this. I’m a firm believer in free will, but I also think that we can be persuaded to want different things, this is how advertisement works. We set higher standards for ourselves because we see other people doing, or seemingly doing, better things than we are. Our best friend buys a big screen TV and suddenly it’s on our priority list; it’s silly. Life is like a huge competition. Nothing is for ourselves anymore. Some females get all gussied up in the morning because they think all other females do, so they believe that men expect it, and it needs to be done or they’ll never get married.

It’s no spell, it’s a social-standard disease.

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September 3, 2008


Today in English, Mrs. Hazen wrote “Do we have control over our own destiny?” on the whiteboard and told us to discuss it among ourselves in small groups. Most of my group said no because if something is “destined”, it’s pre-determined and will happen regardless of the choices we make. With the definition of destiny in mind, I can’t say that we do have control of it. However, I only believe that certain scientific things are destined. For example, every living thing will die eventually, but I can’t really say that death is destiny; death is science more than anything. Anyway, I believe that each and every person lives the life they choose to live. Bad things happen to everyone, but it’s how they choose to react and overcome those things that makes all the difference. I do believe that there is a higher power (whether it’s “God”, Buddha, aliens, whatever) and that there’s good and bad to every situation. However, I don’t believe that this “higher power” has control over what happens to us, how we react to it, and whether we overcome the experience or not. In my opinion, if we can’t affect what our future holds, the whole meaning of life is defeated. Anything that happens to one individual can affect a whole other group of people. Life is all about reaction. Positive and negative events get thrown at us everyday and will always occur. If someone wants to say that’s destiny, I’d have to disagree with them. I’ve always thought destiny was something much more specific than that. I’ve always thought destiny was something along the lines of “I’m destined to be a doctor” or “We’re destined to be together.” As stated before, I don’t believe that each person’s life is mapped out already, and the “higher power” would do anything and everything to make that happen. It’s illogical. There are so many different paths a single person could take in their lifetime. Each day is a choice: to move forward or to simply give up. Each breath is a choice, if you think about it. No one can control how we think, feel, or act. Every person is in control of their life. If this wasn’t true, there would be a lot of discrimination from this “higher power”, and there would be too many martyrs to count. I just think it’s foolish to believe that everything is up to fate. When one leaves their life to destiny, they don’t get anywhere. The way I see it, destiny is just an excuse for mistakes and unfortunate events; destiny is a comforting way to explain why bad things happen. Each and every person is the only person who can control their own life. They only have themselves to blame for their mistakes and only themselves to take credit for their accomplishments.

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for roflz: (Modern American History contemporary assignment)
 
Billy Joel “We Didn’t Start the Fire” Assignment
Cell phones, Kurt Cobain,
OJ Simpson is to blame.
Diana in a crash,
Bill Clinton taps some ash.

Columbia is a shame,
Boy bands are mega lame.
Terrorists hijack a plane,
Pentagon goes up in flames.

Designer dogs, Ipods,
Sadaam Hussein was a wad.
New Orleans in a mess,
Darfur in distress.

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Future plans.

I've ultimately decided not to apply to a university for the 2011-2012 school year.

I made this decision for the following reasons:
- deadlines are MAYBE a week away (at most)
- lack of financial support from my parents
- uncertainty as to whether I'm emotionally prepared to leave this town or not
- no clue what essay topic would be appropriate

Looking at the reasons more closely....

I procrastinated. I knew what universities I wanted to apply to by the time this school year began, but I put applications off until Thanksgiving break... Winter break.... the new year... And I just don't have any time left.

It's not my parents' fault that I can't afford college; it's just the way life goes. I don't have a laptop computer, I don't have funds to even HELP with tuition, I couldn't pay application fees, I don't have a car, and I can't handle a job myself while attending school.
If I took a job on now, I'd never come to school. Ever.

I want to leave this town in the sense that... I'm sick of this place. The people around here are still jerks, and I'm pretty much still in a similar social situation that I was in during middle school.
I mean, people are the same everywhere, so people shouldn't be the reason I want to leave here.
There will always be slutty girls and jerky boys, stupid people, arrogant people, and just... worthless people.
I guess it's just the kind of people in this town: upper-middle class.
I cringe each time I see a Vera Bradley backpack in the hallway. It's now so bad that I feel like I'm having a seizure.
The children in this "city" are spoiled completely rotten, and I suppose I'm a little jealous because I'm not; my parents couldn't spoil me if they wanted to.


Annnnddd I just had no idea what my essay should be about.
I had to choose one of the topics the Common Application gave me, or choose my own... so it was pretty much open ended, as long as I portrayed myself through it.

I came up with two, only two, ideas:
- discrimination (local, nationwide, international)
or
- how my brother, his gf and their child moved in with my family... again... and disrupted our lives.

I felt that if I wrote my essay about discrimination, it'd be all about discrimination, not about me.
I don't know why I think it's wrong, I just do; I've been raised not to discriminate under any circumstance.

However, if I wrote this essay about my brother uprooting my life, I felt that it would be a rather whiney essay, and that's certainly not how I wanted to portray myself.


So I'll be attending community college to get my associate's degree, after which I plan to attend U-M for astronomy/astrophysics as a junior (because the degree will get me there).

Things are looking better.
I won't have to leave my boyfriend, I'll have time to get on my financial feet and buy a car.
And I won't have to leave home for a while, anndddd I'll be more prepared for the big-leagues.

I'm hoping things work out for me. Obviously things will change and be altered along the way, but I guess that's just how life is.
As long as I work hard and concentrate on my work instead of playing around all the time like some stupid people do,
I'll be fine.