I have nowhere else to go, so I'm coming here.
I isolated myself from everyone except one person.
And he left me.
And it's my fault.
I'm an abomination!
I don't understand why I haven't killed myself yet.
Yes I do, out of fear. God, I'm such a coward.
I've been in a state of depression pretty much since I began this blog.
I don't hate my life.
I love my family, I love my pets, I'm incredibly thankful for the wonderful opportunities and blessings bestowed upon me.
But I hate myself.
I hate who I am, not what I've become, but the unmistakable core of myself.
The part of me that I can't change.
The part where my conscience is crippled and only sometimes works.
The part where I can't stay committed to anyone.
The part where I can't escape my anxiety or sadness.
The part where I know something is wrong, but I do it anyway out of greed, lust, or any other of the seven deadly sins.
Look, love... I know I don't deserve you, but I promised myself last Friday that I would try.
And I was trying. I am trying. I'm trying to change for our benefit... because I want to be with you.
I want to be with you more than I want anything in the world.
And it's weird.... like I know that as long as I have you, everything will work out. Everything will be okay eventually, and I'll be able to survive, no matter what happens to/around me.
In this way, I need you... or I at least feel like I do.
Because now that you're gone, that sense of calm has completely disappeared.
I now see, once again, the chaos and ugliness of the world, which you had shielded me from.
I know that I blame a lot on you, but I think I'm just afraid to blame it on myself.
As of now, I will blame myself.
It's my fault you've left.
Because you can't take the hurt I inflict anymore.
It's my fault you're hurt.
Because I'm the one that hurt you.
It's my fault your relationships may be dysfunctional now.
Because this pain I caused will scar you.
It's my fault your bank account is drained.
Because I made you spend it all.
It's my fault you're upset right now.
Because I'm the one that upset you.
It's my fault you've wasted your time.
Because I begged you to stay.
It's my fault I've been depressed.
Because I've been depressed before and should know how to kick myself out of it.
It's my fault that this relationship hasn't been working.
Because I've been the one screwing it up.
It's my fault that I've been less than happy.
Because I should just hold the bad feelings in and force myself to be happy, like normal people do.
It's my fault that you've been less than happy.
Because again, I've caused so much pain in your heart.
It's my fault I've gained so much weight and became so unattractive.
Because I've done nothing but lie in bed and have had no motivation for much else.
It's my fault I'm so stressed out.
Because I've given myself all of this stress.
You are everything to me.
I can physically survive without you, but I'm familiar with this process.
I'm on my way to becoming a shell of my former self, and soon, it will be too thick for anyone to penetrate for a very long time.
I'll lose myself in my schoolwork, and I'll mindlessly try to beautify myself.
I'll then lose myself in drugs or alcohol, in an attempt to feel something.
And then.... maybe I'll die. Maybe I'll meet someone.
It's a few years off yet, so I can't quite say.
I'm hurting very much now, and it's now sinking in that there is nothing I can say or do that will make you want to stay.
I'm sorry that I've been so weak.
I'll see you on the other side.
I will always love you, and that, if nothing else, will always be with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment