To make that clear, I'm apologizing to myself here. I doubt I have any readers anyway, but if I do, let's be clear about something- I don't care if you read this or not.
So.
I'm not apologizing to you, just to myself...
Because I need an outlet like this.
Like the title implies, I'm living a mommy life now. I love it, really. My little mini-me is my world. Even though I'm a single mom, I really wouldn't change a thing, except maybe I'd have gotten my degree and moved out of home FIRST. Oh well. I'm working on it :] I'm lucky enough that the little one is napping right now, so I have time to get a quick entry in.
Anyway, I talk enough about motherhood and I live it every moment of my life, and I don't want this to be an extension of that. I made that one entry when I was pregnant because I never really expressed what I was going through during that time, but now that punkin isn't in my belly, it's different.
This will be a place for thoughts, feelings, inquires and speculations that I hide in my day-to-day life.
So here we go.
Being a mother has improved me in many ways, but for some reason, I still can't shake the sadness that lurks around the corner in my thoughts. I have more to be happy about nowadays, but more to be sad about too.
At least it's balanced...
I've begun hallucinating too, so that's not cool. I don't know if it's from stress of eating cleaner/doing meditative work/opening my third eye, but it makes me uncomfortable. I always see things like birds or insects, but sometimes I'll see a person or a larger animal. It has somewhat subsided since I burned some sage, but it still happens.
I often wonder if there's something wrong in my head. I don't want to think that though. I'd rather think there's something wrong with the way we've developed as a society. I'm not suicidal anymore. I don't even cut anymore or have the desire to.
I simply have feelings of sadness that I can't shake.
But I'm trying.
Although, my heart aches for something I can't have. Maybe that's the source of my sadness. Who knows.
Unfortunately, we can't make other people feel things just because we feel them.
All that's important now is that I stay strong, no matter how hard it may be, for my daughter. I don't want her to have the self-esteem and depression/anxiety issues that I have. I want her to be the way nature intended us to be- happy, innocent, and free. I want to be that way too, but I have a feeling that my journey is far from over.
