Change. Warning: may contain indecent language. Viewer discretion is advised.

So.
Things have changed quite a bit in the last 36 hours or so.



...And I've learned a lot about myself.
People make me feel weak sometimes, but I came to a realization...

I'm strong.

All that bullshit like 'I can't do this' and 'I give up after this one' is fucking retarded.
I'm Brittany mother fucking Hall, and I'm one of the strongest people I know.
I have the strength to be strong for someone else AND myself at the same time; tell me where else you can find that trait.
All that weak bullshit? Fuck that. That's not me.

This is me.
And I'm the most fucking awesome person I know. Wanna know why?
First of all, I enjoy being around myself. But you wanna know why else?

I'm strong.
I'm smart.
I'm willing,
and able.
I'm determined,
but I know when to walk away.
I try my best in literally EVERYTHING I do.
I take initiative.
I show interest in the interests of the people I care about.
I speak, and I listen. Often.
I can apologize and mean it; I can admit when I'm wrong.
I can see both sides of a story and actually prefer both sides to just one.
When I love, I love with all of me.
I can give for others more than I take for myself.

And you know what else?
I'm a fucking cool person to be around.
I love to have a good time and be drama-free.
I'm quirky, I'm funny, and I'm not afraid to be myself.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, and I'm quite aware.
BUT. I'm not broken. I'm not damaged. And I'm certainly good enough for anything that comes my way.


But you know what?
I haven't been myself lately. I've been stuffing that independent, open-minded, strong-willed person down inside of me.


And you know what I replaced her with?
A needy little bitch.

FUCK THAT
That's not me, and I'm done bending over backwards for people that don't do shit for me, people that don't even show appreciation.
I'm done bowing down.

It's time for me to stand up.



I'm done with the past, it's over and done with, nobody can go back in time to change it.
I'm always examining the present and looking toward the future.
(That's another good thing about me.)
Fuck holding grudges and fuck being pissed off/sad all the time.
Is that the way I want to live my life? Hell no.



I'd do anything for love, I'll be honest.
But when someone just takes and takes without giving so much as a little comfort in return, when someone is only there for you sometimes, and when someone is annoyed at anything to do with you....
that's not love.



Love is something beautiful.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."




And you know what?
I've done all of those things consistently.
Everyone makes mistakes, and I have made mine.
But ultimately, all of those are fulfilled by me.




And that, my friends, is a rare trait to find.


So you don't believe me?
You don't think I do all those things when I love someone?
You don't think it's a rare thing to find?




Let's test it.

Stuck.

I don't even know what to say.

Have you ever had those moments when you're so overwhelmed by emotions that you have absolutely no words?
That's me. Right now.


I wish I had the power to change things...
In my eyes, everything seems so simple!
So why is it so... complicated?
I don't understand, and it's the most frustrating thing ever.


I don't even know where I'm going with this; I don't know much of anything right now.

It's depressing when the only thing you're sure of is your emotions...




WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN

...And life went on.

This morning, I felt compelled to update this blog... for some reason.
I had forgotten about it for a long time, but like anything else, it resurfaced in my mind at an unexpected (maybe even inopportune) time.

I logged onto here, and immediately began reading my old posts.
In the much older ones, I found many clues to myself (especially in the post containing some of my inspired academic work).
Again, referring to the core of myself, not the changing aspects.

There were only two things that bothered me in particular:
1. The way I talked about my brother.
When he and his girlfriend moved in with us, I was angry. I didn't understand why things were going so badly for him. In other words, I was naive. What I said was mean.
He didn't uproot my life.
I have grown and learned many many things since my senior year in high school (when that was posted). I feel a deep sense of regret for writing those words.
For the simple fact that it was the way I felt at the time, I will not remove them. However, I'd like to say that I know better now, and I have a deeper understand of the situation now that much time has passed.
I'm sorry.

2. The most recent blog post, besides this one.
I am so ashamed of myself for being so weak. How could I believe that life could not and would not carry on?
Truth is, yeah, I screwed myself over on that one. Yes, the majority of what happened was all.my.fault.
However, I wouldn't have made 90% of the decisions I had made if the person I was referencing had just listened and taken me seriously.
Don't get me wrong, I will never attempt to justify my actions; they were completely and utterly wrong.
But the reason that relationship failed? It was due to both of us. Maybe not equally, but we  both had a part in burning it to the ground. And now?
I'm glad it's over. I've realized how many things I absolutely hated about him.
I've realized that we were at completely separate maturity levels in every aspect I can think of.
Yeah, I loved him. Did it hurt? Absolutely, it killed.
But it didn't kill me.

---------------------------------------

With every end, there's a new beginning, and I found mine in the relatively run-down town of Three Rivers.
Well, I actually found it in Portage 8 years ago.
But, again, as everything always does, it resurfaced.
And I love him. In a way, I always have.
Yeah, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard, but love is entirely subjective. It's different to everyone.
All I can say is that he was the first person I ever had strong feelings for and that I've never felt this profound of an emotion before, not with anyone else.
And I've proven it.
To myself, to him, to the world.

After my last significant relationship, I decided that I would not or could not love again.
I wouldn't get attached to anyone, and I most certainly would not make the same mistakes again.

That's my I'm-happy-to-be-waking-up-in-bf's-bed morning face.

Well, I still refuse to make those same mistakes again, but all of those certainties-at-the-time kind of went out the window while being taken home in a little red Taurus.

And I've made mistakes this time around too, but I'm proud of myself for making them short and sweet, for learning from them quickly and making necessary adjustments, and for putting my all into this one, regardless of my fears.


At the end of it all, I just have to accept that I will never be perfect, nor will life in general, despite my efforts.
But that doesn't mean that I can't be happy.


I still struggle with depression, and at this point, I'm wondering if I always will.
My mom advised me to start keeping daily entries in my diary about the way things are going. Then I could look back in a month's time and remember, whether or not I want to, how good or bad things have been.
And that would probably be a good thing for me, but I just don't know if I'm willing to do that. In a way, I'd rather just live and try to forget about all the bad things.

...Isn't that what everyone else does?

At this exact point in my life, I feel overwhelmed for pretty much no reason.
What do I have to worry about?
School, work, budgeting money, maintaining healthy relationships with the people I love.
That last one is just a difficult one for me.

Maybe I should put "maintaining a healthy relationship with myself" as a priority.
Maybe I'd be happier.

Then again, I feel like I've tried to do that, and it all fell through the cracks once someone hurt me. Why should I build myself up if someone else is just going to tear me down?

Don't let them, you say?
Well... that's easier said than done, and I'm sure that ANYONE reading this can see my argument, so I don't feel the need to make it. We've all been hurt, and that's all I'm going to say.



I've decided that I'm going to share this on Facebook.




...No one will read it.

But. I'm still going to do it. Why? I'm not sure.
Maybe I subconsciously search for people to understand me, or maybe I just want some feedback.
Maybe I feel like the answers I've been looking for all along are staring me right in the face, but I just can't see them.


Right now, I'm relatively certain that the answers I'm looking for don't even exist.
Maybe they wouldn't even exist in a perfect world.



Physical state: tired
Emotional state: calm
Mental state: clear