I have nowhere else to go, so I'm coming here.
I isolated myself from everyone except one person.
And he left me.
And it's my fault.
I'm an abomination!
I don't understand why I haven't killed myself yet.
Yes I do, out of fear. God, I'm such a coward.
I've been in a state of depression pretty much since I began this blog.
I don't hate my life.
I love my family, I love my pets, I'm incredibly thankful for the wonderful opportunities and blessings bestowed upon me.
But I hate myself.
I hate who I am, not what I've become, but the unmistakable core of myself.
The part of me that I can't change.
The part where my conscience is crippled and only sometimes works.
The part where I can't stay committed to anyone.
The part where I can't escape my anxiety or sadness.
The part where I know something is wrong, but I do it anyway out of greed, lust, or any other of the seven deadly sins.
Look, love... I know I don't deserve you, but I promised myself last Friday that I would try.
And I was trying. I am trying. I'm trying to change for our benefit... because I want to be with you.
I want to be with you more than I want anything in the world.
And it's weird.... like I know that as long as I have you, everything will work out. Everything will be okay eventually, and I'll be able to survive, no matter what happens to/around me.
In this way, I need you... or I at least feel like I do.
Because now that you're gone, that sense of calm has completely disappeared.
I now see, once again, the chaos and ugliness of the world, which you had shielded me from.
I know that I blame a lot on you, but I think I'm just afraid to blame it on myself.
As of now, I will blame myself.
It's my fault you've left.
Because you can't take the hurt I inflict anymore.
It's my fault you're hurt.
Because I'm the one that hurt you.
It's my fault your relationships may be dysfunctional now.
Because this pain I caused will scar you.
It's my fault your bank account is drained.
Because I made you spend it all.
It's my fault you're upset right now.
Because I'm the one that upset you.
It's my fault you've wasted your time.
Because I begged you to stay.
It's my fault I've been depressed.
Because I've been depressed before and should know how to kick myself out of it.
It's my fault that this relationship hasn't been working.
Because I've been the one screwing it up.
It's my fault that I've been less than happy.
Because I should just hold the bad feelings in and force myself to be happy, like normal people do.
It's my fault that you've been less than happy.
Because again, I've caused so much pain in your heart.
It's my fault I've gained so much weight and became so unattractive.
Because I've done nothing but lie in bed and have had no motivation for much else.
It's my fault I'm so stressed out.
Because I've given myself all of this stress.
You are everything to me.
I can physically survive without you, but I'm familiar with this process.
I'm on my way to becoming a shell of my former self, and soon, it will be too thick for anyone to penetrate for a very long time.
I'll lose myself in my schoolwork, and I'll mindlessly try to beautify myself.
I'll then lose myself in drugs or alcohol, in an attempt to feel something.
And then.... maybe I'll die. Maybe I'll meet someone.
It's a few years off yet, so I can't quite say.
I'm hurting very much now, and it's now sinking in that there is nothing I can say or do that will make you want to stay.
I'm sorry that I've been so weak.
I'll see you on the other side.
I will always love you, and that, if nothing else, will always be with you.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
I know that nobody is reading this, but
I continue to not-so-frequently update it.
My parents are forcing me to attend school this fall, which is probably a good thing, instead of letting my fears get the best of me.
Summer 2011 has definitely gotten much better since my last entry, but it still hasn't been quite as enjoyable as last summer. Oh well. Last summer was freaking amazing anyway.
I consider myself a failure in so many ways that it's not even funny.
Hell, last night I hit a mailbox while driving my boyfriend's car.
I don't even have my license yet.
The funny thing is, I would have just laughed it off (like I was beginning to) if my boyfriend hadn't yelled at me afterward.
Failure failure failure failure failure
Maybe if I call myself a failure enough times, I won't be so damn disappointed when I screw up.
Anyway.
Lately I've been stressing over whether or not to take the student loan offered to me... I'm afraid to be in debt, but if I don't take it, my parents will be forced to pay for my classes out of their pocket.
This would be okay, but I'm planning to be a full-time student. Hah.
Monday is decision day. Monday is deadline day.
THE
LAST
REGISTRATION
DAY
The decision will be made by then.
May God help me.
My parents are forcing me to attend school this fall, which is probably a good thing, instead of letting my fears get the best of me.
Summer 2011 has definitely gotten much better since my last entry, but it still hasn't been quite as enjoyable as last summer. Oh well. Last summer was freaking amazing anyway.
I consider myself a failure in so many ways that it's not even funny.
Hell, last night I hit a mailbox while driving my boyfriend's car.
I don't even have my license yet.
The funny thing is, I would have just laughed it off (like I was beginning to) if my boyfriend hadn't yelled at me afterward.
Failure failure failure failure failure
Maybe if I call myself a failure enough times, I won't be so damn disappointed when I screw up.
Anyway.
Lately I've been stressing over whether or not to take the student loan offered to me... I'm afraid to be in debt, but if I don't take it, my parents will be forced to pay for my classes out of their pocket.
This would be okay, but I'm planning to be a full-time student. Hah.
Monday is decision day. Monday is deadline day.
THE
LAST
REGISTRATION
DAY
The decision will be made by then.
May God help me.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Updated Future Plans
Now that I've graduated high school with a 3.88 unweighted GPA (3.95 weighted), despite the fatigue and self-doubt, my plans for the rest of 2011 and the beginning of 2012 have changed.
I plan to take this summer off and have a little fun. You know, be an 18 year old female.
I want time to be young and reckless.
I'll (hopefully) have a job by the time fall rolls around. I'll hopefully have my license by then, and I can start saving up for a car once I have a job.
My parents want me to go to the fall semester at the community college around here, but I'd rather go for the spring semester, after I've saved up some money.
So yeah.
This summer will be my last of my youth.
Hopefully it's a great one!
P.S. It has started out like a rollercoaster ride.
Let's hope it doesn't stay that way.
I plan to take this summer off and have a little fun. You know, be an 18 year old female.
I want time to be young and reckless.
I'll (hopefully) have a job by the time fall rolls around. I'll hopefully have my license by then, and I can start saving up for a car once I have a job.
My parents want me to go to the fall semester at the community college around here, but I'd rather go for the spring semester, after I've saved up some money.
So yeah.
This summer will be my last of my youth.
Hopefully it's a great one!
P.S. It has started out like a rollercoaster ride.
Let's hope it doesn't stay that way.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Essays, notes, poems, fragments.
The following are writings I've written for some form of scholarly purpose.
To what extent do we need evidence to support our beliefs in different areas of knowledge?
By natural human behavior, we search for evidence to support various claims made throughout our lives, whether these claims are being made by ourselves or other people. The definition of legitimate verification can vary from person to person, so different people may use separate ways of knowing to come to what we know to be truthful conclusions. A knowledge issue that arises from this question is how truth is justified with evidence through two conflicting areas of knowledge: natural science and religion. Most people think that religion and natural science cannot coexist because they use different ways of knowing to come to separate conclusions on the same matters that concern all humans, like why we’re here and where we came from, but I’m not sure if I completely agree.
It’s generally easier to find absolute truth in natural sciences because scientific experiments provide concrete answers that usually cannot be left open to interpretation. In physics, testing the theory of gravity is simple enough: Newton throws an apple in the air, and it comes back down, toward the Earth. In the same way, I can confirm the boiling point of water by entering the chemistry lab, putting a beaker of water above a Bunsen burner and measuring the temperature at which water boils: approximately 100 degrees Celsius. Astronomy is my favorite subject because there are so many open ended questions that cannot be confirmed, simply because society does not have the means to travel far out into space, see things as they are, and experiment with them. However, scientists and astronomers simulate space by taking all the physical conditions we know to be present in space and enclosing them into a much smaller and experimental environment here on Earth. We can see similarities between tornadoes and black holes, thus using logic to apply what we know to what we cannot know for certain. We use logic from scientific experiments to develop mathematical equations that can give us numbers to interpret back to anything we can think of, like how big the universe is or whether or not there will be polar bears in twenty years. We find truths in natural sciences by experimenting and using logic to evaluate what those experiments really mean. After truths are found, they are communicated to the world and usually challenged to be proven true before universally accepted. In this way, the truth coming from science is mostly objective and always confirmed by multiple sources.
Since I was old enough to understand, my mother has educated me about Christianity, and she had me convinced that everything she told me was unquestionable truth for a long time. My mom firmly believes in God, and often tells me stories of how she has been emotionally touched by the Holy Spirit. One of the more recent stories comes from a year or two ago, when she traveled to Columbus to support her father while he was going through surgeries to fix his heart problems. Since my grandpa was fearful of what could happen during surgery, he wanted to go to church to pray and gain some hope. Naturally, my mom had no idea where she should take him because she was in an unfamiliar city, but she spied a steeple from the hospital and decided that was where she would take him. My mother helped her dad out of the car and up the steps to the church. As soon as they opened the doors and were safely inside, my grandpa broke down in tears. He said that he felt the presence of God and that he hadn’t felt it that strongly for a very long time. In this context, what does “feel” really mean? I’m not quite sure whether or not they just felt a cold gust of air, but I don’t think some cold air would make my grandfather cry on a whim like he did. Whatever he was feeling came from inside of him and affected him more than a sensation from sense perception could. Truth in religion comes almost completely from emotion, and the rest comes from language. A person can read the Bible, Torah or Qur’an all they want, but they will not believe the texts or find truth in the stories unless they use emotion to feel a connection with a divine presence sometime in their life.
In my opinion, I believe that religion and natural science can coexist in harmony. Although they may lead us to slightly different truths, error and lacking knowledge must always be taken into account. Religion can tell us a reason, but it cannot give us hard evidence; science can give us hard evidence, but cannot tell us a reason. Hard sciences give us information that we can use to improve our society, like what medicines can defeat which illnesses. Religious beliefs lead us to greater truths, like what will happen after we die. Sometimes they clash, specifically with evolution and creation, but I believe that even two different theories of how humans came to be can be meshed together to make one big, loveable hypothesis. Evolution tells us that we have evolved from much smaller life forms over periods of billions of years, and questionable proof like tailbones and appendixes can be used to support this claim. Creation tells us that a divine power placed us here for a reason that we cannot discover, and debatable evidence like religious texts and matching stories from different cultures can be used to support this claim. My mom always told me not to question God, and that the human race just is not supposed to know everything about everything. I have to agree with this because I honestly cannot believe that we could even comprehend all of the potential knowledge and information in the universe or even on our native planet. Piecing all of the bits together, I believe that it’s a possibility that the universe itself was placed here with physical rules for a reason, and that life in general follows a pattern guarded by something that we cannot quite understand. Instead of arguing over whether logic or emotion is better to find truth, why not use both? Wouldn’t the use of two strong ways of knowing be more truthful than the use of an exclusive one?
One thing all humans have in common is the perpetual determination to find truth. Some believe think it doesn’t matter how we arrive at the truth, it just has to make sense. To me, it makes even more sense to have evidence to support any claim made in the different areas of knowledge, and the more ways of knowing used to support these claims, the more accurate the truth in question will be. I think that knowledge issues ought to be considered more often than they are because they might lead us to better ideas and more advancement. Instead of bickering over whether logic is better than emotion or whether natural science is better than religion, we should examine how and why they differ, and try to put the pieces together accordingly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate. Let Big Brother do the singing and dancing for you. Be a reporter. Be a good witness. A grateful member of the audience." Page 216 (Lullaby)
I agree with Carl when he talks about this. He’s right; if a person doesn’t get involved with their life, they’re wasting their life. However, I’m not sure if I completely agree. Watching and observing is a vital part of success. It’s wiser to observe the successes and failures of others before proceeding. This way, one has an idea of what is ideal.
This is completely true with my own life. If I hadn’t observed the mistakes of my older brothers, I might not be where I am today. Just because I do this a lot doesn’t mean I’m not living my life. I actively participate in preparing myself for the future. Maybe I’m not “making the most” of my high school years, but I don’t see partying and making foolish decisions as living. I’ll have time to goof off later in life, when I don’t have to worry about what will happen to me and how it will affect my future.
Maybe everyone should live each day as if it were their last, but if I did that, I’d have dropped out of school long ago, and I’d probably be in jail for some reason. It’s simply unwise to be impulsive like that. Nobody achieves their goals by procrastinating and not working.
From what I’ve learned, the key to everything in life is balance: too much work will make you miserable because you’ll have no reason for anything, and too much play will make you miserable because you won’t have accomplished anything. It’s about finding the perfect mixture of everything that will make you happy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I don’t know the difference between what I want and what I’m trained to want. I can’t tell what I really want and what I’ve been tricked into wanting. What I’m talking about is free will. Do we have it, or does God dictate and script everything we do and say and want? Do we have free will, or do the mass media and our culture control us, our desires and actions, from the moment we’re born?” Page 228 (Lullaby)
“Are these things really better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now? Am I just under a spell that says nothing is ever good enough?” Page 230
These questions that Carl asks himself could not relate more to current society. Everyone
always wants more and more. They want to be thinner, have shinier hair, tanner skin, more money, faster cars, bigger houses, the whole sha-bang.
I don’t think any higher power would control this. I’m a firm believer in free will, but I also think that we can be persuaded to want different things, this is how advertisement works. We set higher standards for ourselves because we see other people doing, or seemingly doing, better things than we are. Our best friend buys a big screen TV and suddenly it’s on our priority list; it’s silly. Life is like a huge competition. Nothing is for ourselves anymore. Some females get all gussied up in the morning because they think all other females do, so they believe that men expect it, and it needs to be done or they’ll never get married.
It’s no spell, it’s a social-standard disease.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 3, 2008
Today in English, Mrs. Hazen wrote “Do we have control over our own destiny?” on the whiteboard and told us to discuss it among ourselves in small groups. Most of my group said no because if something is “destined”, it’s pre-determined and will happen regardless of the choices we make. With the definition of destiny in mind, I can’t say that we do have control of it. However, I only believe that certain scientific things are destined. For example, every living thing will die eventually, but I can’t really say that death is destiny; death is science more than anything. Anyway, I believe that each and every person lives the life they choose to live. Bad things happen to everyone, but it’s how they choose to react and overcome those things that makes all the difference. I do believe that there is a higher power (whether it’s “God”, Buddha, aliens, whatever) and that there’s good and bad to every situation. However, I don’t believe that this “higher power” has control over what happens to us, how we react to it, and whether we overcome the experience or not. In my opinion, if we can’t affect what our future holds, the whole meaning of life is defeated. Anything that happens to one individual can affect a whole other group of people. Life is all about reaction. Positive and negative events get thrown at us everyday and will always occur. If someone wants to say that’s destiny, I’d have to disagree with them. I’ve always thought destiny was something much more specific than that. I’ve always thought destiny was something along the lines of “I’m destined to be a doctor” or “We’re destined to be together.” As stated before, I don’t believe that each person’s life is mapped out already, and the “higher power” would do anything and everything to make that happen. It’s illogical. There are so many different paths a single person could take in their lifetime. Each day is a choice: to move forward or to simply give up. Each breath is a choice, if you think about it. No one can control how we think, feel, or act. Every person is in control of their life. If this wasn’t true, there would be a lot of discrimination from this “higher power”, and there would be too many martyrs to count. I just think it’s foolish to believe that everything is up to fate. When one leaves their life to destiny, they don’t get anywhere. The way I see it, destiny is just an excuse for mistakes and unfortunate events; destiny is a comforting way to explain why bad things happen. Each and every person is the only person who can control their own life. They only have themselves to blame for their mistakes and only themselves to take credit for their accomplishments.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for roflz: (Modern American History contemporary assignment)
Billy Joel “We Didn’t Start the Fire” Assignment
Cell phones, Kurt Cobain,
OJ Simpson is to blame.
Diana in a crash,
Bill Clinton taps some ash.
Columbia is a shame,
Boy bands are mega lame.
Terrorists hijack a plane,
Pentagon goes up in flames.
Designer dogs, Ipods,
Sadaam Hussein was a wad.
New Orleans in a mess,
Darfur in distress.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To what extent do we need evidence to support our beliefs in different areas of knowledge?
By natural human behavior, we search for evidence to support various claims made throughout our lives, whether these claims are being made by ourselves or other people. The definition of legitimate verification can vary from person to person, so different people may use separate ways of knowing to come to what we know to be truthful conclusions. A knowledge issue that arises from this question is how truth is justified with evidence through two conflicting areas of knowledge: natural science and religion. Most people think that religion and natural science cannot coexist because they use different ways of knowing to come to separate conclusions on the same matters that concern all humans, like why we’re here and where we came from, but I’m not sure if I completely agree.
It’s generally easier to find absolute truth in natural sciences because scientific experiments provide concrete answers that usually cannot be left open to interpretation. In physics, testing the theory of gravity is simple enough: Newton throws an apple in the air, and it comes back down, toward the Earth. In the same way, I can confirm the boiling point of water by entering the chemistry lab, putting a beaker of water above a Bunsen burner and measuring the temperature at which water boils: approximately 100 degrees Celsius. Astronomy is my favorite subject because there are so many open ended questions that cannot be confirmed, simply because society does not have the means to travel far out into space, see things as they are, and experiment with them. However, scientists and astronomers simulate space by taking all the physical conditions we know to be present in space and enclosing them into a much smaller and experimental environment here on Earth. We can see similarities between tornadoes and black holes, thus using logic to apply what we know to what we cannot know for certain. We use logic from scientific experiments to develop mathematical equations that can give us numbers to interpret back to anything we can think of, like how big the universe is or whether or not there will be polar bears in twenty years. We find truths in natural sciences by experimenting and using logic to evaluate what those experiments really mean. After truths are found, they are communicated to the world and usually challenged to be proven true before universally accepted. In this way, the truth coming from science is mostly objective and always confirmed by multiple sources.
Since I was old enough to understand, my mother has educated me about Christianity, and she had me convinced that everything she told me was unquestionable truth for a long time. My mom firmly believes in God, and often tells me stories of how she has been emotionally touched by the Holy Spirit. One of the more recent stories comes from a year or two ago, when she traveled to Columbus to support her father while he was going through surgeries to fix his heart problems. Since my grandpa was fearful of what could happen during surgery, he wanted to go to church to pray and gain some hope. Naturally, my mom had no idea where she should take him because she was in an unfamiliar city, but she spied a steeple from the hospital and decided that was where she would take him. My mother helped her dad out of the car and up the steps to the church. As soon as they opened the doors and were safely inside, my grandpa broke down in tears. He said that he felt the presence of God and that he hadn’t felt it that strongly for a very long time. In this context, what does “feel” really mean? I’m not quite sure whether or not they just felt a cold gust of air, but I don’t think some cold air would make my grandfather cry on a whim like he did. Whatever he was feeling came from inside of him and affected him more than a sensation from sense perception could. Truth in religion comes almost completely from emotion, and the rest comes from language. A person can read the Bible, Torah or Qur’an all they want, but they will not believe the texts or find truth in the stories unless they use emotion to feel a connection with a divine presence sometime in their life.
In my opinion, I believe that religion and natural science can coexist in harmony. Although they may lead us to slightly different truths, error and lacking knowledge must always be taken into account. Religion can tell us a reason, but it cannot give us hard evidence; science can give us hard evidence, but cannot tell us a reason. Hard sciences give us information that we can use to improve our society, like what medicines can defeat which illnesses. Religious beliefs lead us to greater truths, like what will happen after we die. Sometimes they clash, specifically with evolution and creation, but I believe that even two different theories of how humans came to be can be meshed together to make one big, loveable hypothesis. Evolution tells us that we have evolved from much smaller life forms over periods of billions of years, and questionable proof like tailbones and appendixes can be used to support this claim. Creation tells us that a divine power placed us here for a reason that we cannot discover, and debatable evidence like religious texts and matching stories from different cultures can be used to support this claim. My mom always told me not to question God, and that the human race just is not supposed to know everything about everything. I have to agree with this because I honestly cannot believe that we could even comprehend all of the potential knowledge and information in the universe or even on our native planet. Piecing all of the bits together, I believe that it’s a possibility that the universe itself was placed here with physical rules for a reason, and that life in general follows a pattern guarded by something that we cannot quite understand. Instead of arguing over whether logic or emotion is better to find truth, why not use both? Wouldn’t the use of two strong ways of knowing be more truthful than the use of an exclusive one?
One thing all humans have in common is the perpetual determination to find truth. Some believe think it doesn’t matter how we arrive at the truth, it just has to make sense. To me, it makes even more sense to have evidence to support any claim made in the different areas of knowledge, and the more ways of knowing used to support these claims, the more accurate the truth in question will be. I think that knowledge issues ought to be considered more often than they are because they might lead us to better ideas and more advancement. Instead of bickering over whether logic is better than emotion or whether natural science is better than religion, we should examine how and why they differ, and try to put the pieces together accordingly.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“The best way to waste your life is by taking notes. The easiest way to avoid living is to just watch. Look for the details. Report. Don’t participate. Let Big Brother do the singing and dancing for you. Be a reporter. Be a good witness. A grateful member of the audience." Page 216 (Lullaby)
I agree with Carl when he talks about this. He’s right; if a person doesn’t get involved with their life, they’re wasting their life. However, I’m not sure if I completely agree. Watching and observing is a vital part of success. It’s wiser to observe the successes and failures of others before proceeding. This way, one has an idea of what is ideal.
This is completely true with my own life. If I hadn’t observed the mistakes of my older brothers, I might not be where I am today. Just because I do this a lot doesn’t mean I’m not living my life. I actively participate in preparing myself for the future. Maybe I’m not “making the most” of my high school years, but I don’t see partying and making foolish decisions as living. I’ll have time to goof off later in life, when I don’t have to worry about what will happen to me and how it will affect my future.
Maybe everyone should live each day as if it were their last, but if I did that, I’d have dropped out of school long ago, and I’d probably be in jail for some reason. It’s simply unwise to be impulsive like that. Nobody achieves their goals by procrastinating and not working.
From what I’ve learned, the key to everything in life is balance: too much work will make you miserable because you’ll have no reason for anything, and too much play will make you miserable because you won’t have accomplished anything. It’s about finding the perfect mixture of everything that will make you happy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“I don’t know the difference between what I want and what I’m trained to want. I can’t tell what I really want and what I’ve been tricked into wanting. What I’m talking about is free will. Do we have it, or does God dictate and script everything we do and say and want? Do we have free will, or do the mass media and our culture control us, our desires and actions, from the moment we’re born?” Page 228 (Lullaby)
“Are these things really better than the things I already have? Or am I just trained to be dissatisfied with what I have now? Am I just under a spell that says nothing is ever good enough?” Page 230
These questions that Carl asks himself could not relate more to current society. Everyone
always wants more and more. They want to be thinner, have shinier hair, tanner skin, more money, faster cars, bigger houses, the whole sha-bang.
I don’t think any higher power would control this. I’m a firm believer in free will, but I also think that we can be persuaded to want different things, this is how advertisement works. We set higher standards for ourselves because we see other people doing, or seemingly doing, better things than we are. Our best friend buys a big screen TV and suddenly it’s on our priority list; it’s silly. Life is like a huge competition. Nothing is for ourselves anymore. Some females get all gussied up in the morning because they think all other females do, so they believe that men expect it, and it needs to be done or they’ll never get married.
It’s no spell, it’s a social-standard disease.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 3, 2008
Today in English, Mrs. Hazen wrote “Do we have control over our own destiny?” on the whiteboard and told us to discuss it among ourselves in small groups. Most of my group said no because if something is “destined”, it’s pre-determined and will happen regardless of the choices we make. With the definition of destiny in mind, I can’t say that we do have control of it. However, I only believe that certain scientific things are destined. For example, every living thing will die eventually, but I can’t really say that death is destiny; death is science more than anything. Anyway, I believe that each and every person lives the life they choose to live. Bad things happen to everyone, but it’s how they choose to react and overcome those things that makes all the difference. I do believe that there is a higher power (whether it’s “God”, Buddha, aliens, whatever) and that there’s good and bad to every situation. However, I don’t believe that this “higher power” has control over what happens to us, how we react to it, and whether we overcome the experience or not. In my opinion, if we can’t affect what our future holds, the whole meaning of life is defeated. Anything that happens to one individual can affect a whole other group of people. Life is all about reaction. Positive and negative events get thrown at us everyday and will always occur. If someone wants to say that’s destiny, I’d have to disagree with them. I’ve always thought destiny was something much more specific than that. I’ve always thought destiny was something along the lines of “I’m destined to be a doctor” or “We’re destined to be together.” As stated before, I don’t believe that each person’s life is mapped out already, and the “higher power” would do anything and everything to make that happen. It’s illogical. There are so many different paths a single person could take in their lifetime. Each day is a choice: to move forward or to simply give up. Each breath is a choice, if you think about it. No one can control how we think, feel, or act. Every person is in control of their life. If this wasn’t true, there would be a lot of discrimination from this “higher power”, and there would be too many martyrs to count. I just think it’s foolish to believe that everything is up to fate. When one leaves their life to destiny, they don’t get anywhere. The way I see it, destiny is just an excuse for mistakes and unfortunate events; destiny is a comforting way to explain why bad things happen. Each and every person is the only person who can control their own life. They only have themselves to blame for their mistakes and only themselves to take credit for their accomplishments.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for roflz: (Modern American History contemporary assignment)
Billy Joel “We Didn’t Start the Fire” Assignment
Cell phones, Kurt Cobain,
OJ Simpson is to blame.
Diana in a crash,
Bill Clinton taps some ash.
Columbia is a shame,
Boy bands are mega lame.
Terrorists hijack a plane,
Pentagon goes up in flames.
Designer dogs, Ipods,
Sadaam Hussein was a wad.
New Orleans in a mess,
Darfur in distress.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, January 17, 2011
Future plans.
I've ultimately decided not to apply to a university for the 2011-2012 school year.
I made this decision for the following reasons:
- deadlines are MAYBE a week away (at most)
- lack of financial support from my parents
- uncertainty as to whether I'm emotionally prepared to leave this town or not
- no clue what essay topic would be appropriate
Looking at the reasons more closely....
I procrastinated. I knew what universities I wanted to apply to by the time this school year began, but I put applications off until Thanksgiving break... Winter break.... the new year... And I just don't have any time left.
It's not my parents' fault that I can't afford college; it's just the way life goes. I don't have a laptop computer, I don't have funds to even HELP with tuition, I couldn't pay application fees, I don't have a car, and I can't handle a job myself while attending school.
If I took a job on now, I'd never come to school. Ever.
I want to leave this town in the sense that... I'm sick of this place. The people around here are still jerks, and I'm pretty much still in a similar social situation that I was in during middle school.
I mean, people are the same everywhere, so people shouldn't be the reason I want to leave here.
There will always be slutty girls and jerky boys, stupid people, arrogant people, and just... worthless people.
I guess it's just the kind of people in this town: upper-middle class.
I cringe each time I see a Vera Bradley backpack in the hallway. It's now so bad that I feel like I'm having a seizure.
The children in this "city" are spoiled completely rotten, and I suppose I'm a little jealous because I'm not; my parents couldn't spoil me if they wanted to.
Annnnddd I just had no idea what my essay should be about.
I had to choose one of the topics the Common Application gave me, or choose my own... so it was pretty much open ended, as long as I portrayed myself through it.
I came up with two, only two, ideas:
- discrimination (local, nationwide, international)
or
- how my brother, his gf and their child moved in with my family... again... and disrupted our lives.
I felt that if I wrote my essay about discrimination, it'd be all about discrimination, not about me.
I don't know why I think it's wrong, I just do; I've been raised not to discriminate under any circumstance.
However, if I wrote this essay about my brother uprooting my life, I felt that it would be a rather whiney essay, and that's certainly not how I wanted to portray myself.
So I'll be attending community college to get my associate's degree, after which I plan to attend U-M for astronomy/astrophysics as a junior (because the degree will get me there).
Things are looking better.
I won't have to leave my boyfriend, I'll have time to get on my financial feet and buy a car.
And I won't have to leave home for a while, anndddd I'll be more prepared for the big-leagues.
I'm hoping things work out for me. Obviously things will change and be altered along the way, but I guess that's just how life is.
As long as I work hard and concentrate on my work instead of playing around all the time like some stupid people do,
I'll be fine.
I made this decision for the following reasons:
- deadlines are MAYBE a week away (at most)
- lack of financial support from my parents
- uncertainty as to whether I'm emotionally prepared to leave this town or not
- no clue what essay topic would be appropriate
Looking at the reasons more closely....
I procrastinated. I knew what universities I wanted to apply to by the time this school year began, but I put applications off until Thanksgiving break... Winter break.... the new year... And I just don't have any time left.
It's not my parents' fault that I can't afford college; it's just the way life goes. I don't have a laptop computer, I don't have funds to even HELP with tuition, I couldn't pay application fees, I don't have a car, and I can't handle a job myself while attending school.
If I took a job on now, I'd never come to school. Ever.
I want to leave this town in the sense that... I'm sick of this place. The people around here are still jerks, and I'm pretty much still in a similar social situation that I was in during middle school.
I mean, people are the same everywhere, so people shouldn't be the reason I want to leave here.
There will always be slutty girls and jerky boys, stupid people, arrogant people, and just... worthless people.
I guess it's just the kind of people in this town: upper-middle class.
I cringe each time I see a Vera Bradley backpack in the hallway. It's now so bad that I feel like I'm having a seizure.
The children in this "city" are spoiled completely rotten, and I suppose I'm a little jealous because I'm not; my parents couldn't spoil me if they wanted to.
Annnnddd I just had no idea what my essay should be about.
I had to choose one of the topics the Common Application gave me, or choose my own... so it was pretty much open ended, as long as I portrayed myself through it.
I came up with two, only two, ideas:
- discrimination (local, nationwide, international)
or
- how my brother, his gf and their child moved in with my family... again... and disrupted our lives.
I felt that if I wrote my essay about discrimination, it'd be all about discrimination, not about me.
I don't know why I think it's wrong, I just do; I've been raised not to discriminate under any circumstance.
However, if I wrote this essay about my brother uprooting my life, I felt that it would be a rather whiney essay, and that's certainly not how I wanted to portray myself.
So I'll be attending community college to get my associate's degree, after which I plan to attend U-M for astronomy/astrophysics as a junior (because the degree will get me there).
Things are looking better.
I won't have to leave my boyfriend, I'll have time to get on my financial feet and buy a car.
And I won't have to leave home for a while, anndddd I'll be more prepared for the big-leagues.
I'm hoping things work out for me. Obviously things will change and be altered along the way, but I guess that's just how life is.
As long as I work hard and concentrate on my work instead of playing around all the time like some stupid people do,
I'll be fine.
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