On Gender.

Note: I do not (or at least try not to, considering my background) discriminate for any reason.


I had a good friend my freshman-sophomore year who was a homosexual girl.
Now she claims to be male. She changed her name on facebook to a boy's name that sounds similar to her female name, and her statuses include "_____ is getting his fingernails painted rainbow colors."

This confuses me.

I asked her about it and said that because she has a vagina, she is.. well... a girl.
WELLLLL after that, a lot of her friends called me homophobic and ignorant.
I thought I had a valid point.



Apparently gender is no longer defined as WHAT YOU ARE, it's what you FEEL you are.

Let me explain.

FACT: I have a vagina.
FACT: There have been many times in my life when I wished I had a penis, like when I've really had to pee and there wasn't any sort of restroom in sight.
FACT?: Because I have a vagina, I'm classified as female, regardless of my wishes.

Is gender definied by birth-given sexual organs, or by sexual preference?
Obviously, if a person sexually prefers the opposite sex, they are heterosexual.
Same sex, homosexual.
Both opposite and same equally, bisexual.

Okay.
So what's wrong with being a homosexual female?
By calling herself a heterosexual male, she is LYING... unless she had some sex-change I was unaware of.

At birth, doctors label the child as male or female depending on what sexual organ they have between their legs: a penis or a vagina.
Why does this change when the child grows up and just... FEELS like they're the other sex.

Never in my life have I FELT like I had a penis, despite wishes for one. I'm pretty sure it's impossible for me because I don't have flesh dangling between my legs.
In the same token, I don't believe that if I were a male, I would ever feel like a female because I would always have flesh dangling between my legs.

Unless I got a sex-change.


My point is this: if you have male sex organs, you are a male; if you have female sex organs, you are a female.
Why do people make this more complicated?

Sexual preference may affect decisions for a sex-change, but it does not DIRECTLY affect sexual organs, because as humans, our bodies do not morph, even if we wish they would.
(I wish they would because I would look a lot different.)


Does this not make sense to anyone besides me?

[insert name here]'s Parents

[insert name here] = no particular person, it could be ANYBODY



Wanna know why?
EVERYONE'S parents end up having this intense dislike toward me.

I really have no guess as to WHY this happens, but it definitely sucks for me.

Everytime I get close to someone, whether it be as a friend or more than that, their parents step in the picture and are all pissy about it.
I'm not sure if I'm a bad influence or just a profound influence, or if they think I'm trouble or WHAT is going on here.
I'm certainly not an angel, but I feel the need to list some good things about myself:

1. I'm an almost straight A student ALL THE TIME
2. I respect adults
3. I will not argue about things I have no clue about
4. I'm not a druggie or a drunk
5. I'm nice to [insert name here]'s siblings (if he/she has any)
6. If anything, I try to urge people to improve their lives by any means necessary
7. I'm always here for my friends, even if it's just to listen
8. I'm not a spoiled brat, unlike other girls around this suburb
9. I'm most definitely not a whore
10. I'm probably one of the best friends/girl friends a person could have once they fully trust me

::sigh::

What is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough?

On suicide.

So this boy I know threatened to kill himself last night.

Yeah, I slept well. (colored text denotes sarcasm)

It really bothers me that people have the nerve to pull the "suicide card."
I mean, I understand that when people are unhappy with their lives or themselves in general, committing suicide is the easiest way out of all those problems.
For them.

If a person kills themself, they're doing the most selfish thing a person can do.
They're subjecting the people they love to dealing with that extreme loss.

It's really not something to joke about at all, and it pisses me off when people don't take it seriously.

Everyone has problems. Most people take it like a man and deal with it.
Everyone has to grow the fuck up sometime.
Sooner is better than later.

Today is Friday.

I guess I'm not really sure how to start this whole process.
I'm not sure what I should or shouldn't do or what would/wouldn't be interesting, but I guess I'll learn as I go.

I'm relatively certain there aren't guidelines for blogging, but I obviously wouldn't want this to resemble my diary/journal by ANY means, considering that's entirely too personal for the internet.

So maybe I'll just start with random, weekly? (we'll see) rambles about what's going on in my life, or the lives of the people I care about.
Maybe it'll turn into a specific goal.
Maybe I'll find a part of myself I didn't know existed.
Maybe you'll read this and think I'm psycho.

Maybe nobody will read this.
Maybe nothing will happen, and this will all be a waste of time.


I don't know, but I guess I'm willing to find out.













10 Dec 2010

Senior year is pretty stressful, and I thought Junior year was bad.
This year, I have a variety of things to worry about, and mostly all of them involve my actual future. Last year, it was more like... preparing for my actual future.
I'm great at preparing, not so great at executing.

My expectations were initially very high; I was going to apply to several colleges (mostly out-of-state) and attend a 4-year university directly out of high school.
I've now decided to take the summer after graduation to work and earn money for the COMMUNITY COLLEGE I'll be attending that fall.
I'm not ready for the big-leagues yet.

I guess I feel academically ready, but I don't necessarily feel socially or emotionally ready to leave this painfully hateful town I spent most of my growing-up-years in.
Maybe there's something here I haven't found yet.
In any case, I'm just going to stay in suburbia for one or two more years from now. I definitely don't want to stay here forever.

It's weird; I've always had this strange fascination with big cities, especially on the East Coast.
I wanted to attend a college over there, but it's just way too expensive for an average mid-western family like mine.
Times are just too rough right now.

Sometimes I wonder if we're coming to the fall of the United States.
I wonder if this country will turn to complete chaos in ten years from now, five years from now, or tomorrow.
I'm almost afraid to ever have children because I wouldn't want to expose them to so many things that could profoundly influence their adulthood.
Maybe it's all just paranoia.

My mother has been feeding me this idea that the grand ol' U.S. of A. will fall one day.
Her logic is that Rome fell, as grand of an empire as it was.
She's kind of right; what goes up must come down.

I just don't like to be the coming-down-side of things.





When looking at the big picture, I guess the reality is that my survival mechanisms are all based around fear.
I do my homework because I fear failing my classes, I fear teachers yelling at me (although I know they won't, something inside tells me they will), I fear not being able to graduate, I fear becoming some law-breaking outcast that ends up dying a nobody because they just never did their homework.
I always tell myself that the absolute worst will happen.

Yes, it turns into such large amounts of stress that I'm growing white hairs at the old age of eighteen, but it works.
I'm (almost completely) a straight A student, and mostly everyone I'm close with can trust me to be responsible with any task they give me; I just have to have a reason to fear not doing it/an unpleasant outcome that will happen if I do anything but what is asked of me.

It's an extremely unhealthy (and terrifying) way to live life, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone, whether I care about them or not.
Good, bad, or indifferent, it's the way I live my life.

I'll probably die at a young age because of it.
Maybe I'll make a difference because of it.

Sometimes I wish I knew what's in store for me, but I always take that wish back;
life would be boring, there would be no challenges or emotion to anything, and I simply can't handle that higher level of power and knowledge.

When everything is broken down into little, teeny, atom-sized pieces, I'm just a human being.
I'll live... and then I'll die.








Like everyone else.