My Mother Always Said She Feels Sorry for the Person I End Up With

It's not something a mother should say to her son or daughter.


That being said,
"You're pretty, but you aren't *beautiful,*" is not something I think a mother should say either.




Parents are supposed to always support their children. Maybe not financially or whatever, but emotionally, I think a parent should always be there for their son or daughter, no matter how old they are. Unconditional love.
In fact, I think it's common practice to be "there" emotionally for anyone you love, so if someone is not there for you, in my mind, it means they don't care about you. Being "there" for someone doesn't have to mean buying them things or telling them what they want to hear, no, most of the time, it just means being open to listening and understanding without judgment.




People, in general, love to walk around spewing sentences. "I love you," "I'd do anything for you," whatever it is. It's so easy to spit out words.
It's so hard to act on them... but that's what makes it so meaningful.
Nothing worth doing is ever easy.

People, in general, are so swayed by sweet words, which would make sense as to why they overreact when they're given some words that maybe aren't so sweet, even if they aren't necessarily mean or cruel.

For example, saying "I don't want to be around you" does not translate as "I hate you" or "I think you're a terrible person." It simply translates to "I don't have the desire to be around you."
Instead of being insulted at such a confession, despite the difficulty of it, we need to start to wonder.
Why would they say that?

What would make this person not want to be around me?
Do they feel this way about everyone? Just me? Some people?
If it's everyone, maybe they want to be left alone. Maybe they need some time for self-reflection.
If it's just you, think about what you're doing wrong or what in your relationship with them specifically would make them feel that way.
If it's some people, see if there are any common themes among you and these other people. Are you all Trump supporters? Do all of you like to gossip? Maybe all of you have a demanding quality?
If you can't figure it out, it's probably because you're blind to your own mistakes, which happens to all of us sometimes. Look deeper within yourself, or give up. Your choice.


Despite all of this analyzation to deescalate a situation, words can stick with us. I don't think they're the words that are said in an effort of communication, however. They're the words that are only said with intention to hurt.
The things I've mentioned that my mother has said to me... as well as a slew of other things people could tell you.
It ranges from simple ideas like "You're ugly," or "You're stupid" to deeper ones that maybe only you know the context and meaning of like "Go home."
These things do not help us grow; they actually hinder it.
They become the things the voices in our heads tell us when we're feeling down or when we doubt ourselves.
We reuse this ammunition on ourselves, as if being hit with them once is not enough. These things become soundtracks for self-doubt.
The worst part is when they're repeated to you often by others as well, especially when they're people you love.


Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
My point is as follows.
There are sweet and bitter things people say. Of the bitter things, some are said out of love, and some are said for more hateful purposes.
If we all took a moment to think about these, we would get hurt less often, and we would also be able to see who in our lives gives us constructive criticism and who just criticizes us.

I'm at this point, and strangely enough, I'm realizing that the people closest to me are the ones who criticize me most, and I'm more likely to get constructive criticism from a stranger than I am from my own loved ones.

Why do the ones we love hurt us most?
It shouldn't be this way. I'm looking for a way to live a life that isn't like this.
I don't want to be that kind of mother.

New post.

BOOP! 

I solemnly swear I will not forget about this blog.

For too long.

Remembering the land of sun, water, long hair, breezy clothing, and love love love.... Winter is great and all, but I miss this.

The train keeps chugging down the tracks. I can't wait for a moment to relax. Til then, it's working to the max

Capacity

To avoid a catastrophe

While the world just snacks at me

Rap goddess here!

See you on the flip side.

The baby world has swallowed me whole.

Sorry I haven't updated this in forever...

To make that clear, I'm apologizing to myself here. I doubt I have any readers anyway, but if I do, let's be clear about something- I don't care if you read this or not.

So.

I'm not apologizing to you, just to myself...

Because I need an outlet like this.

Like the title implies, I'm living a mommy life now. I love it, really. My little mini-me is my world. Even though I'm a single mom, I really wouldn't change a thing, except maybe I'd have gotten my degree and moved out of home FIRST. Oh well. I'm working on it :] I'm lucky enough that the little one is napping right now, so I have time to get a quick entry in.

Anyway, I talk enough about motherhood and I live it every moment of my life, and I don't want this to be an extension of that. I made that one entry when I was pregnant because I never really expressed what I was going through during that time, but now that punkin isn't in my belly, it's different.

This will be a place for thoughts, feelings, inquires and speculations that I hide in my day-to-day life.

So here we go.

Being a mother has improved me in many ways, but for some reason, I still can't shake the sadness that lurks around the corner in my thoughts. I have more to be happy about nowadays, but more to be sad about too.

At least it's balanced...

I've begun hallucinating too, so that's not cool. I don't know if it's from stress of eating cleaner/doing meditative work/opening my third eye, but it makes me uncomfortable. I always see things like birds or insects, but sometimes I'll see a person or a larger animal. It has somewhat subsided since I burned some sage, but it still happens.

I often wonder if there's something wrong in my head. I don't want to think that though. I'd rather think there's something wrong with the way we've developed as a society. I'm not suicidal anymore. I don't even cut anymore or have the desire to.

I simply have feelings of sadness that I can't shake.

But I'm trying.

Although, my heart aches for something I can't have. Maybe that's the source of my sadness. Who knows.

Unfortunately, we can't make other people feel things just because we feel them.

All that's important now is that I stay strong, no matter how hard it may be, for my daughter. I don't want her to have the self-esteem and depression/anxiety issues that I have. I want her to be the way nature intended us to be- happy, innocent, and free. I want to be that way too, but I have a feeling that my journey is far from over.

I Never Thought I Could Be This Uncomfortable: Reasons Why I May Never Get Pregnant Again

4 months - jeans = buttonable!

Well hello, my darling readers. I've been dying to make a list of all of the changes my body, mind and emotions have gone through within the past 6 months. You may find this boringly infomative, but you may also find this incredibly funny... Let's hope it doesn't become too awkward.

For starters, let's talk about the First Trimester.
In case you don't know what that is, it's the first 1/3 of a pregnancy.

For me, I felt pretty normal. The way I physically felt could have been largely contributed to the massive amount of depression/heartbreak I felt, as well as the intense stress I was under... I'm not quite sure if the fatigue, nausea, and mood swings were from depression (possible) or pregnancy (also possible). I may never know.

The first 6 weeks contained a lot of alcohol and cigarettes, but very little food or sleep.
Once I found out about my loving little parasite, I quit drinking... and that's about it.
There were days I'd have my prenatal vitamin and a very humble bowl of ice cream... and that'd be it.
I gained my appetite back at the beginning of the second trimester, but I still get very little sleep.
As of smoking, I finally kicked that habit at about 4 months.

Here's the fun part- the Second Trimester.
The second 1/3 of pregnancy.

This is what everyone calls the best part of pregnancy, and I already agree with them. At the ultrasounds, you can see your little one move around and it starts to actually look baby-esque. You also have the option of finding out the sex at this time, and you can feel it move for the first time!
(For those of you who have never been pregnant, it's the most wild thing. Imagine the sudden sinking you get in your stomach right before you have to rush to the restroom so you don't poop your pants- it feels like that without any digestive urges or pain.)

6 months tum tum

Physical Changes
Sensory Changes
1. sight
Sometimes I have small hallucinations, but they're only ever for a split second when I glance at something. I always do a double-take just to make sure that I really didn't see a gargoyle perched on my open door, and I'm always very relieved to find out that whatever I saw is not actually there.

2. sound
This sense just seems to be much more sensitive. At nighttime, in my bedroom (trying to sleep), I can hear the murmurs of my brother and his friends talking inside a parked car in our driveway. Mind you, our house windows are shut, and so are the car windows.
Sometimes the beeping of the register at work is unbearable.

3. SMELL
There are pros and cons to this one.
I can't walk through the bread section at a grocery store without wanting to run away, but smelling garlic butter in the air from Red Lobster is a wondrous thing.

4. taste
I'll just list some of my favorite things to taste- Honey Nut Cheerios, anything with cinnamon, salad. (I eat those three literally as much as I can.
If you know me well enough, you should know that I'm not a huge pizza fanatic. You would also know that if I do eat pizza, it has to have a lot of meat on it or be Greek pizza. Welll... my new true love? CHEESE PIZZA

I can also drink plain milk now. I even drink the leftover milk at the bottom of my cereal bowl.
Yes, ladies and gents, I have turned into a five year old.

5. touch
This one might be a little strange to say, but let's just say that my nipples don't like the strong water pressure in the shower.


External
Let's talk about my favorite one first. My boobs grew! A whole cup size!
I cannot express my excitement over this. I sang "Movin' on up! To a C cup!" to myself for a week or two after buying a couple of much needed 34C bras.

Now OBVIOUSLY my belly is not as small or flat as it used to be. It's amazing how I could wear my jeans normally at 4 months and avoided wearing them at 5, just because I hate the stupid belly band that you put over your unbuttoned pants to hold them up. Ain't nobody got time to adjust their clothing every time they sit down or stand up!

With my growing belly, my center of gravity has shifted, which has caused me to change the way I bend down to pick things up. Instead of bending at the back, I bend at my knees. It may look a little funny, and I may look like a frog if I'm bending and standing repeatedly, but I want to avoid backaches, and my thigh muscles are getting nice and strong!

Also, it's pretty frustrating that I couldn't look at my lady parts if I wanted to. Blind shaving isn't exactly fun, people.

Internal
I'm lucky in this department. All of the other girls in my mommy group suffer from bad headaches, leg cramps and back aches. My burden? (Well, they've got this one too.) Constipation.
This may be weird to talk about, but let's face it, we all defecate.
Before pregnancy, I suffered irregularity for a few years, but once I learned how to control my pelvic floor muscles (being able to tighten AND relax them), I became much more regular.
I had done a lot of research, and a lot of people say that adults are supposed to have a bowel movement at least once a day. I felt at the time that once a day was a little much, but... think about how little babies eat and how much they poop. Now think about how much we eat... once a day is fair, if not minimal.
Well, I used to have a painless BM every day. Now? Every other day if I'm lucky.
And let me just say that I'd hate to be taking a prenatal vitamin that DOESN'T have a stool softener in it.
(Mind you, the digestive tract slows down during pregnancy, allowing greater water absorption. Also, there's more pressure on the digestive tract from growing baby. The iron in prenatal vitamins is no help, either, so I know I'm not alone here. Basically, if you get pregnant, count on lots of constipation.)

I feel like I'd sleep better in baby's bed than in mine!

Another more commonly discussed discomfort during pregnancy- the need to pee... ALL THE TIME.
I'm lucky if I sleep for 4 hours without getting up to go pee. (1. I drink more fluids 2. Pregnant women retain more fluids AND have something crazy like 30% more blood running through their veins!)

Something that is often overlooked- the lack of ability to sleep well, and not just because nature calls! It's hard to get comfortable when you're pregnant! You aren't supposed to sleep on your back (cuts off blood flow to baby), it's uncomfortable to sleep on your stomach, and neither side is comfortable to lay on for too long- leading to a night full of tossing and turning. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Annndd the weight gain. I haven't heard anyone tell me that I'm gaining too much weight (aka getting FAT), so I want to say that I look decent for being 6 months pregnant. However, everyone could just be being nice to avoid my mood swings and a possible meltdown! Haha!
I can tell you that I gained a whole 11 pounds between January 6 and February 5... I was astounded.
Surprisingly enough, my doctor said that it could just be a large jump in weight, and I may not gain much more weight per month from then on. (The previous months, I'd only gained 2 lbs per month.)
Granted, I ate a lot of sweets during that month, but I craved them a lot i.e. soda, doughtnuts, cake, ice cream, chocolate. Now, I'm craving a lot of fruit, veggies, and cheese pizza. (Much better, Brittany!) I try not to be too hard on myself and take into account the fact that I had to purchase new bras during that period of time, that I actually gained a bump during that time, and that I'm holding onto extra weight from constipation setting in, not to mention the fluids I'm retaining. So is 11 pounds still that bad? I don't know.
Considering the fact that I'm still working, going to college, and staying very busy with all the baby preparations (i.e. shopping, putting the crib together, cleaning), I feel I'm getting a normal amount of exercise (for me) in my daily schedule.
I can still fit in my jeans, my belly is just too big to button them!

P.S. I went shopping for maternity clothes the other day (since a lot of my tops are just too short now, and it

size 8 maternity jeans/size small maternity top... not bad?

 makes me look like a total redneck with my belly hanging out a little), and the medium sized tops are too big!
I wear a small :] (I could also fit into my size small shirts if they weren't so short/tight on my belly.)
Nothing like a confidence boost when you're feeling as unattractive as ever.

Emotional Changes
Ever wanted to cry over a look someone gave you or scream just because someone asked you a question?
Didn't think so.
People complain about how bad my mood swings are, but they need to realize that I'm going through hell too! I hate being angry or sad at the drop of a pin. I haven't cried over food like some other pregnant ladies have... not yet.
I cry about being lonely instead.

Mental Changes
This part is probably the biggest section of improvement for me.

Sorelle Princeton 4-in-1 crib and changer... love it!
And for you guys out there that think I'm crazy, those
blankets are only there to keep the walls and crib dust-free.
They'll be removed once my little girl is in her bed!

I've become a hell of a lot more responsible. I don't stay up late, I make sure I'm awake at a decent hour, and I'm more likely to take care of things way before I need to i.e. homework, bills.
I've also become a lot more clean! I care more about dust now, and I've noticed that I'm more particular about cleaning inside every little crevice in my bedroom.
I've been sooooo much better at budgeting money. (Yay for not feeling like I'm broke!) I also have become so much better at preparing for things before they happen. In this kind of a situation, you have to become good at that, otherwise your baby won't have a place to sleep, any diapers to pee in, or any clothes to wear!

I still have another trimester to go, but I imagine that I'll be way too busy cleaning, shopping and sleeping (between work and school) to update this!

All in all, there have been goods and bads, and it seems like all the good ways I've changed in are here to stay! Hopefully the bad ones don't stick around, but most of the bad things are physical aspects that should go away once my little girl exists outside of my body!


Thanks for reading :]
Sorry if I happened to gross you out :p

On hearts and fear. (This is for a friend.)

Last night, I gave in to my girly side and watched The Sweetest Thing with my mom on cable tv.
One of the parts that really stuck out to me was when one of the characters is reading this book on love or how to love.. or something or other... and there are these cheesy commandments. One of these upsets her:

"Thou shalt not fear."


I found it very interesting because anyone that has had their heart broken before knows that it's almost impossible NOT to be afraid after that.
I can only really speak for myself, but I know that it takes me a long time to bring a wall down after I've put one up.
For anyone who has never experienced heartbreak.. first of all, you're lucky. Second of all, you may think it takes a long time to forgive someone for something they did to you that negatively affected you.
It takes so much longer to not be afraid that someone else will do it to you.


I've been hurt so much, in big and small ways, that these are my own expectations.

People in general:
They will talk badly about me to other people.
They will sell me out if it meant saving their own ass.
They will always put themselves before me.
If they're a certain type of person that gets kicks out of this kind of thing, they will lie, make things up and/or twist thing to make themselves look like the good guy, even if it makes me look like the bad guy.

Now I'm not saying that those things are necessarily TERRIBLE and HAVE to change. We all do it.
Putting ourselves before others is a survival mechanism...
HOWEVER
I personally will not compromise truth to save myself. If I made a mistake, I'll own up to it.
If I'm guilty of something, I'll admit it to the whole world.
I realize it may not be the smartest thing all the time, but I have been lied to SO MUCH and I've done so much thinking about lying that I truly believe that truth should be one of those unalienable rights that everyone is born with.
Anyway, let's continue on to something a little more personal and a lot more controversial.

Males:
They will take advantage of me.

They will use me for everything I have to give, then leave me with nothing.
They will turn situations around on me to make me feel guilty, even if I did nothing wrong.

They will brag to all of their friends about me until they aren't seeing me anymore, then they'll say the worst things. Most of the time, the things they brag about are relatively true, and the terrible things they say afterward are completely false, but there are exceptions.
They will leave me for someone better (in their eyes).
They will try to control me, and in doing that, will alienate me from my friends and family.

They will forbid me to talk to any male that I'm not related to, but they will continue to converse with other females (which would be fine)... and heavily flirt with them.
They will probably cheat on me.
They will lie about it.
Actually, they'll lie about any little thing if it means avoiding confrontation. (Possibly the one thing I cannot STAND about relationships... or people in general. Girls do this too, and it's STUPID. I've been lied to about everything, anywhere from cheating to the price they paid for something, and it's all dumb. It's so much easier to forgive someone and move on if they have the respect to be honest with you.)

They will expect me to be okay with it when they treat me terribly.

They will yell and scream, take their anger out on me, and make me feel like their mistakes are all my fault.
They will belittle me by making me feel stupid, unattractive or otherwise inadequate.

In the end, they'll hurt me. They'll possibly break my heart, but that just depends how much I cared about them, really.

And some guys wonder why I prefer to be single.

There are probably more things I'd expect a guy to do to me, but I can't really think of any more at this point.
It's a long list anyway, and I don't want to get too off-topic or seem like I really hate males because I don't.
I actually prefer them to females. They start to feel comfortable enough to become their heartless selves when you start to let your guard down.

Anyway.
I have a female friend who loves her boyfriend to death. I can see it, and I'm pretty sure anyone else that knows them can too. The obstacles they overcome for each other are astounding. I admire her for her strength because it's a type of strength I'm not sure I could muster up. It's a risk I would be entirely too afraid to take.
I don't know her boyfriend well. I mean, I've met the guy once. However, he seems like a genuine guy. From what she has told me and from what I've seen, I really think he loves her just as much as she loves him.
At the end of the day though, he's still a male, so he doesn't think about things the same way females do, and he sometimes does/says things without analyzing how it may affect her, and she ends up hurt from it.
But. He seems to make up for it every time, and from what she has told me, it has been a total misunderstanding every time (it's only happened a few occasions the entire time they've been together) and he has explained it to her and said/done the right things to make her feel 100% better about the situation.

She told me today that she loves him too much.
I told her that she just loves him.
She said it scares her.
I asked her if she thought he was going to hurt her.
And do you know what she said, my attentive audience?

"They always do."

If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

She's right, they always have hurt her, just like they've always hurt me.
So I started to think about my most recent relationship and how I was so fearless the entire time. How could I take such HUGE blind risks on someone? How could I give him my entire heart like that, regardless of his past of hurting girls, of hurting ME? (Yes, people, it wasn't the first time I'd cried over what that boy did to me.)

Well... I think I did it because I figured that some risks are just worth taking.
Sometimes you have to throw your heart out there.
Most of the time, someone stomps all over it and throws it back in your face.
But we all keep trying in hopes that we'll throw it out there to someone who will catch it and hold onto it, someone who will give us theirs in return.
In my book, that's worth fighting for.
And it seems to me that if these two people have had the strength to make it this far, they can get through anything. I believe in them, and I think she should too.

My dad always says it's easy to coach from the bleachers, so I realize that I'm doing a lot of preaching and not a lot of practicing at this time. Forgive me for that.

I think, in the end, we all just have to follow our hearts, but never stop allowing our minds to guide them.
Our minds will, more often than not, protect us from hurting over the stupid mistakes our hearts make.

So I think if someone takes the effort to prove such beautiful messages of trust, love, etc. to you, you shouldn't let fear hold you back from TRULY accepting them.
Yes, sometimes things don't work out as planned and you could end up hurt, I'm not denying that possibility.
But... in my own experiences, when I was afraid of someone hurting me, I let myself be afraid.
I kept letting my own stupid irrational fears get to me until I did something to screw it all up.

It happened with one person in particular, and I've regretted it ever since.
I ran away and threw away a great guy all because I was afraid.
I convinced myself that minor problems were actually major problems, allowing myself to excuse running away like I did.
It's only now that I realize that I was just plain cowardly.

It's okay to be a little afraid, it's meant to protect you.
On the flip side,

never let your fears overcome you.

Even if you do get hurt, you'll pick yourself up, and you'll stand a little taller with that experience under your belt.

Maybe it's a messed up way to look at things, but I really think that each person in our life is a stepping stone, up until we find the people that will step on those stones with us... people like our parents, our siblings, the love of our life..

In the end, you can't let anything blind you, be it love, fear, or anything else. Keep your head on straight, never forget what you're aiming for, and TRUST YOURSELF. If it feels right, it probably is.

Don't lose faith in the way the universe works, and if you ever do, read A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown. Her life story will prove to you that everything happens for a reason. It's really very moving.

Anyway.

Trust that you are right where you're supposed to be, and everything will work out in the end.

And specifically to you, the friend I'm talking about, I KNOW things will work out for you. You're too good of a person for them not to. Look at how successful you've been already, in all of your endeavors.
I don't think you realize how much I admire you, and I don't think you realize how lovable you really are.
Is it because so many people have thrown you away for some other broad that you feel like nobody could really actually want you?
I feel the same way, look at what jerkface did to me. If that's not proof that people are sometimes just plain stupid and selfish, then I don't know how else to prove it to you.

Does loving this guy feel right? Does loving this guy seem right?
If your mind and your heart (without fear clouding them) agree, then I think you've got something worth fighting for, and if you do, I hope neither of you ever forget how lucky you are to have each other.





Thanks for readin' :]

The plot thickens.

Ahhhhh... my life is never dull. At least I can't complain about that.

I don't choose this for myself, but that's just the way things happen.
Always unexpected!



And this time, I'm going to step up and take responsibility for what happened instead of just laughing off my eclectic luck.

Everything will be okay.



Sometimes you just have to delete people out of your life, whether you want to or not.
Sometimes what's BEST isn't what you really want.... but it's for the best, and you just kind of have to go with the motions.

Maybe all of these things are just what I needed.
Maybe my sense of direction for life is much more clear to me now.


And maybe I can't focus on what I need to do with all of the unnecessary drama...
maybe there are some people that just bring these things to my life, and since I don't need it,

I don't need them.



Everything will be okay.
You'll all know what I'm talking about soon enough.

Change. Warning: may contain indecent language. Viewer discretion is advised.

So.
Things have changed quite a bit in the last 36 hours or so.



...And I've learned a lot about myself.
People make me feel weak sometimes, but I came to a realization...

I'm strong.

All that bullshit like 'I can't do this' and 'I give up after this one' is fucking retarded.
I'm Brittany mother fucking Hall, and I'm one of the strongest people I know.
I have the strength to be strong for someone else AND myself at the same time; tell me where else you can find that trait.
All that weak bullshit? Fuck that. That's not me.

This is me.
And I'm the most fucking awesome person I know. Wanna know why?
First of all, I enjoy being around myself. But you wanna know why else?

I'm strong.
I'm smart.
I'm willing,
and able.
I'm determined,
but I know when to walk away.
I try my best in literally EVERYTHING I do.
I take initiative.
I show interest in the interests of the people I care about.
I speak, and I listen. Often.
I can apologize and mean it; I can admit when I'm wrong.
I can see both sides of a story and actually prefer both sides to just one.
When I love, I love with all of me.
I can give for others more than I take for myself.

And you know what else?
I'm a fucking cool person to be around.
I love to have a good time and be drama-free.
I'm quirky, I'm funny, and I'm not afraid to be myself.


Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect, and I'm quite aware.
BUT. I'm not broken. I'm not damaged. And I'm certainly good enough for anything that comes my way.


But you know what?
I haven't been myself lately. I've been stuffing that independent, open-minded, strong-willed person down inside of me.


And you know what I replaced her with?
A needy little bitch.

FUCK THAT
That's not me, and I'm done bending over backwards for people that don't do shit for me, people that don't even show appreciation.
I'm done bowing down.

It's time for me to stand up.



I'm done with the past, it's over and done with, nobody can go back in time to change it.
I'm always examining the present and looking toward the future.
(That's another good thing about me.)
Fuck holding grudges and fuck being pissed off/sad all the time.
Is that the way I want to live my life? Hell no.



I'd do anything for love, I'll be honest.
But when someone just takes and takes without giving so much as a little comfort in return, when someone is only there for you sometimes, and when someone is annoyed at anything to do with you....
that's not love.



Love is something beautiful.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."




And you know what?
I've done all of those things consistently.
Everyone makes mistakes, and I have made mine.
But ultimately, all of those are fulfilled by me.




And that, my friends, is a rare trait to find.


So you don't believe me?
You don't think I do all those things when I love someone?
You don't think it's a rare thing to find?




Let's test it.

Stuck.

I don't even know what to say.

Have you ever had those moments when you're so overwhelmed by emotions that you have absolutely no words?
That's me. Right now.


I wish I had the power to change things...
In my eyes, everything seems so simple!
So why is it so... complicated?
I don't understand, and it's the most frustrating thing ever.


I don't even know where I'm going with this; I don't know much of anything right now.

It's depressing when the only thing you're sure of is your emotions...




WHY IS THIS HAPPENING AGAIN

...And life went on.

This morning, I felt compelled to update this blog... for some reason.
I had forgotten about it for a long time, but like anything else, it resurfaced in my mind at an unexpected (maybe even inopportune) time.

I logged onto here, and immediately began reading my old posts.
In the much older ones, I found many clues to myself (especially in the post containing some of my inspired academic work).
Again, referring to the core of myself, not the changing aspects.

There were only two things that bothered me in particular:
1. The way I talked about my brother.
When he and his girlfriend moved in with us, I was angry. I didn't understand why things were going so badly for him. In other words, I was naive. What I said was mean.
He didn't uproot my life.
I have grown and learned many many things since my senior year in high school (when that was posted). I feel a deep sense of regret for writing those words.
For the simple fact that it was the way I felt at the time, I will not remove them. However, I'd like to say that I know better now, and I have a deeper understand of the situation now that much time has passed.
I'm sorry.

2. The most recent blog post, besides this one.
I am so ashamed of myself for being so weak. How could I believe that life could not and would not carry on?
Truth is, yeah, I screwed myself over on that one. Yes, the majority of what happened was all.my.fault.
However, I wouldn't have made 90% of the decisions I had made if the person I was referencing had just listened and taken me seriously.
Don't get me wrong, I will never attempt to justify my actions; they were completely and utterly wrong.
But the reason that relationship failed? It was due to both of us. Maybe not equally, but we  both had a part in burning it to the ground. And now?
I'm glad it's over. I've realized how many things I absolutely hated about him.
I've realized that we were at completely separate maturity levels in every aspect I can think of.
Yeah, I loved him. Did it hurt? Absolutely, it killed.
But it didn't kill me.

---------------------------------------

With every end, there's a new beginning, and I found mine in the relatively run-down town of Three Rivers.
Well, I actually found it in Portage 8 years ago.
But, again, as everything always does, it resurfaced.
And I love him. In a way, I always have.
Yeah, it sounds like the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard, but love is entirely subjective. It's different to everyone.
All I can say is that he was the first person I ever had strong feelings for and that I've never felt this profound of an emotion before, not with anyone else.
And I've proven it.
To myself, to him, to the world.

After my last significant relationship, I decided that I would not or could not love again.
I wouldn't get attached to anyone, and I most certainly would not make the same mistakes again.

That's my I'm-happy-to-be-waking-up-in-bf's-bed morning face.

Well, I still refuse to make those same mistakes again, but all of those certainties-at-the-time kind of went out the window while being taken home in a little red Taurus.

And I've made mistakes this time around too, but I'm proud of myself for making them short and sweet, for learning from them quickly and making necessary adjustments, and for putting my all into this one, regardless of my fears.


At the end of it all, I just have to accept that I will never be perfect, nor will life in general, despite my efforts.
But that doesn't mean that I can't be happy.


I still struggle with depression, and at this point, I'm wondering if I always will.
My mom advised me to start keeping daily entries in my diary about the way things are going. Then I could look back in a month's time and remember, whether or not I want to, how good or bad things have been.
And that would probably be a good thing for me, but I just don't know if I'm willing to do that. In a way, I'd rather just live and try to forget about all the bad things.

...Isn't that what everyone else does?

At this exact point in my life, I feel overwhelmed for pretty much no reason.
What do I have to worry about?
School, work, budgeting money, maintaining healthy relationships with the people I love.
That last one is just a difficult one for me.

Maybe I should put "maintaining a healthy relationship with myself" as a priority.
Maybe I'd be happier.

Then again, I feel like I've tried to do that, and it all fell through the cracks once someone hurt me. Why should I build myself up if someone else is just going to tear me down?

Don't let them, you say?
Well... that's easier said than done, and I'm sure that ANYONE reading this can see my argument, so I don't feel the need to make it. We've all been hurt, and that's all I'm going to say.



I've decided that I'm going to share this on Facebook.




...No one will read it.

But. I'm still going to do it. Why? I'm not sure.
Maybe I subconsciously search for people to understand me, or maybe I just want some feedback.
Maybe I feel like the answers I've been looking for all along are staring me right in the face, but I just can't see them.


Right now, I'm relatively certain that the answers I'm looking for don't even exist.
Maybe they wouldn't even exist in a perfect world.



Physical state: tired
Emotional state: calm
Mental state: clear

And my heart breaks.

I have nowhere else to go, so I'm coming here.


I isolated myself from everyone except one person.
And he left me.
And it's my fault.



I'm an abomination!








I don't understand why I haven't killed myself yet.
Yes I do, out of fear. God, I'm such a coward.

I've been in a state of depression pretty much since I began this blog.
I don't hate my life.
I love my family, I love my pets, I'm incredibly thankful for the wonderful opportunities and blessings bestowed upon me.
But I hate myself.
I hate who I am, not what I've become, but the unmistakable core of myself.
The part of me that I can't change.

The part where my conscience is crippled and only sometimes works.
The part where I can't stay committed to anyone.
The part where I can't escape my anxiety or sadness.
The part where I know something is wrong, but I do it anyway out of greed, lust, or any other of the seven deadly sins.










Look, love... I know I don't deserve you, but I promised myself last Friday that I would try.
And I was trying. I am trying. I'm trying to change for our benefit... because I want to be with you.
I want to be with you more than I want anything in the world.
And it's weird.... like I know that as long as I have you, everything will work out. Everything will be okay eventually, and I'll be able to survive, no matter what happens to/around me.
In this way, I need you... or I at least feel like I do.
Because now that you're gone, that sense of calm has completely disappeared.
I now see, once again, the chaos and ugliness of the world, which you had shielded me from.
I know that I blame a lot on you, but I think I'm just afraid to blame it on myself.
As of now, I will blame myself.

It's my fault you've left.
Because you can't take the hurt I inflict anymore.
It's my fault you're hurt.
Because I'm the one that hurt you.
It's my fault your relationships may be dysfunctional now.
Because this pain I caused will scar you.
It's my fault your bank account is drained.
Because I made you spend it all.
It's my fault you're upset right now.
Because I'm the one that upset you.
It's my fault you've wasted your time.
Because I begged you to stay.
It's my fault I've been depressed.
Because I've been depressed before and should know how to kick myself out of it.
It's my fault that this relationship hasn't been working.
Because I've been the one screwing it up.
It's my fault that I've been less than happy.
Because I should just hold the bad feelings in and force myself to be happy, like normal people do.
It's my fault that you've been less than happy.
Because again, I've caused so much pain in your heart.
It's my fault I've gained so much weight and became so unattractive.
Because I've done nothing but lie in bed and have had no motivation for much else.
It's my fault I'm so stressed out.
Because I've given myself all of this stress.






You are everything to me.
I can physically survive without you, but I'm familiar with this process.
I'm on my way to becoming a shell of my former self, and soon, it will be too thick for anyone to penetrate for a very long time.
I'll lose myself in my schoolwork, and I'll mindlessly try to beautify myself.
I'll then lose myself in drugs or alcohol, in an attempt to feel something.
And then.... maybe I'll die. Maybe I'll meet someone.




It's a few years off yet, so I can't quite say.













I'm hurting very much now, and it's now sinking in that there is nothing I can say or do that will make you want to stay.
I'm sorry that I've been so weak.
I'll see you on the other side.




I will always love you, and that, if nothing else, will always be with you.